Chicago-ish review / crummy day / grad school update

Fresh off from Thanksgiving, I have to say that it is always pleasant and rejuvenating to be back in the Chicagoland area. As I have become older, I have spent more time in the city as a young person, veering away from Lake County, IL and travelling down to the city to visit friends and experience their city life. Not as massive or seemingly unaccessible as NYC, Chicago has a home town charm within the big city feel. Having to take the El or a taxi to get around, it's exciting for me each time I visit to uncover new places for beer, food, meet up with friends that have made their lives in the Windy City. Similarly chilly like Minneapolis with an equivalently broad theater and art scene, Chicago could have a place for me some day. I can definitely see it being financially an adjustment from Denver, but the skyline could be my new adopted mountain view I suppose.

On that note, will be sending the Northwestern app away soon, on Sunday I finalized the Berkeley application. My goal is to turn one in each Sunday in December so I have completed them all before Christmas break. Nothing weighing on me, I can just go back and enjoy Chicago to the fullest. This Sunday will be that purple and white school I have applied to twice before, the to the school I want to go to the most, the University of Texas at Austin, then finally sending another application to CUNY. This whole grad school app process has been tiring and has filled me with plenty of doubts, but I do think that it was the right thing to do and if it works out, will be a great next step for me.

Right now, work is tough. I got an additional 8th grade class of special ed students but I am teaching the general education curriculum at a modified pace. The kids have a great desire to improve and learn, but their motivation to get started or to think outside the box, is super low. Today I got a few blows after I had told them that we were behind the class they had moved out of, due to poor attendance and tardies to my class. I was speaking the truth to them, that we are only really one day behind the class, but to them it seemed like the world. . . They were angry and asked why did I move them out of that class, why can't they go back to that class, why do we do different things in here. I told them that I had picked them to be in my class so that we could move at a different pace and get in different activities that would help them MORE in the long run. That I was changing things up and trying to get them to write in any way that I can. They HATE writing, they had a standardized writing test today, and so I think they were mostly taking their frustration of that test out on me. I was proud of them for understanding that this is going to take a lot of hard work, but I would be lying if I said their words didn't hurt me.

But when I got home tonight, I was reactionary and put a few hours into a solid plan for tomorrow that will hopefully re-energize us all. Unfortunately, it seems like teaching in these conditions sets you into that cycle. One tough day sends you into an inspirational whirlwind of planning and scheming new ways to respond to the students' needs. Unfortunately, your creative or sensitive instincts aren't enough, and you can never predict how a group of middle schoolers are going to respond to you on any given day.

I appreciate my students for helping me find purpose in what I am doing and for being honest and responsive. I just want them to wake up and realize why this is important. And why it is going to take more than just ME but me AND them to improve their writing this year.

Any teachers or wise old owls out there have any excellent writing strategies/investment strategies for me and my students, send them this way. :)

And welcome December.

C

Caroline in New York City

I am going to use this as a space to continue to reflect on my teaching experiences and developing work towards teaching theatre, BUT I am also going to start using it as a space to practice my writing skills as well as paint pictures of the places I may be heading off to next year, as I visit them and experience them to the fullest.

Untouchable, unmanageable, unfriendly, unclean, unaccessible. All un-words that most people want to use to describe NYC. But I’d challenge most people to get a map and ride the subway any where in the city, just get out and walk around the stop that intrigues them most. For me this time around, it was a quick trip to a school in the Bronx to meet some students and teachers for a possible job opportunity. Theres an incredible freedom of riding below the busy streets and sidewalks, and emerging into some where unlike where you descended into the subway system. I guess it may take an adventurous type to enjoy this mystery, dirtiness and complicated puzzle, but it’s not a stretch to say that I don’t think it is hard for most to find that there is so much beauty in New York in these little complications.

Two of my friends who have recently moved to “the city” say, like most people, that they’ve known they wanted to live here their whole lives. That they knew they wanted to be here and however hard or stressful the lifestyle can be, that they know they are in the right place right now. Operating on two extremely different ends of the spectrum in terms of career and current financial situations, my two friends are getting by. One friend, in a high rise flat near Lincoln Square, my other friend commuting 90 minutes by train every day from Jersey City, they both have made it work for them in their separate ways; taking the subway and trains, buses, versus walking or paying cab fare to get around the city. Socializing on the Upper East Side with financial buisness men, versus working multiple jobs every day and barely making bill payments and rent. Staying awake until 8am, then sleeping until 4pm to work a night shift for half of the week, adjusting to a sleep schedule that half a million other people share. All of these factors weighed out by the quality of opportunities that present themselves on any given day or night. Meeting famous TV producers, actors, musicians, theorists, playwrights, people who probably went through the same day-to-day struggles, living and working side by side the ones who just moved out there to get their start. It’s a trade- off for sure, life style, work ethic but it seems as though it leads people to amazing opportunities they wouldn’t have otherwise even touched. While both of them have used the words, “New York can kick your ass,” they have also rebounded from that and experienced small personal victories like finding an amazing bakery or farmer’s market. For every nasty day, there is always sun the next.

As a little girl, I played the role of “Annie” in the popular musical about a feisty red-headed orphan that falls up on the fortunate run-in with Daddy Warbucks, a rich New Yorker who exposes her to the ‘good life’ and all the riches New York has to offer. I remember learning the lines that Annie says to Daddy Warbucks about how amazing New York City is from the other side, and the sing together, “NYC.... what is it about you? You’re big, you’re loud, you’re tough.” At the risk of being completely cliche, at this point I feel a little like Annie, coming to New York with wonder and amazement, not yet experiencing the jaded attitude many feel quickly after they’ve been out here a few times. I’m still marveled by the endless possibilities that seem to exist here, the cute cafes, shops, the subway, skyscrapers, everything. Making a decision about moving to New York is a big deal, no matter how many connections or how much confidence you’ve collected. I guess deciding if trading off comfort for connections, food for professional advancement, and taking new inventory on what makes you happy- maybe it’s the subway ride or the skyline or seeing someone you know on the street (this happened to me!) This time around I can really feel this place in my grasp, I can see where I would live, work, socialize, but I can also see how quickly I could become jaded as well, and worn down by the crowds, the dirt, the immensity. Either way, I appreciate that this big city has found a little place of possibility for me.

Let's see...

Today we had a breakthrough in my theater group...

I am so proud of these students and the things that they overcome before they come to school.

These kids have HARD LIVES. Every day, piece by piece I hear more about their parents, their families, what they go through when they are at home, and I become more and more proud of them for the efforts that they make on a daily basis. Hoping that I can offer them any kind of solace when they are in school and that they allow school to maintain as their place of peace and safety...

Mid-October sickness has arrived as it does yearly, so coping with lots of vitamin C and plenty of rest is always the perfect remedy. Happy to see my parents this coming weekend, happy to have a little break coming up. Planning for the future little by little and learning something EVERY day. No matter how hard it can be sometimes, I know that compared to the stress I handle, these kids are handling 10 times more.

ALSO everyone who can should see the film, "Waiting for Superman." It's an excellent documentary about the achievement gap and what educational reformers all around the country are doing about it. Definitely take time to see it.

Tonight I am thinking about KB and hoping her father is taking care of her and loving her, DR and KA, hoping that they feel loved.

Paz

C

Good day for theatre!

Yay, I'm finally seeing something in these girls in my theatre class!

After a jaded last 2 days at RBN, filled with several, pretty serious fights, I think I brought at least 7 girls some safety. I wrote them all notes today and delivered them to their classes to remind them to come to theatre class today, and they all came! We acknowledged those that hadn't come, and how we would feel their void and think about why they weren't with us (they had been in fights, and probably didn't feel safe to stay after school) then we carried out business as usual, playing theatre games and doing spatial and body awareness exercises and reflections. They were hilarious, made me laugh, made me think, challenged each other.

I LOVE DOING THIS. At the end of class, we stood in a circle and touched one person that made us smile, one person that made us laugh and one person that made us feel safe, and they all touched me... :)

If I'm not doing anything else other than making them feel safe, that's a success to me.

Last week I facilitated a group in the Teach for America professional development for first years, and I had 3 attendees. While that sounds bad, it was actually wonderful. All of the participants were happy to learn from me and try new things. They were all enthusiastic about getting into the work, asked questions and we had a great experience together. They gave me such good ratings that I was asked to go to Albuquerque to present to other TFA-ers in the Southwest!!! What an honor! Not sure if I am going to take it but this Sunday I start my first DCA group with some TFA friends/ teachers and I am really looking forward to seeing how it unravels...

Starting to cool off here in Colorado, still some 80-90 degree days, but the leaves are changing and it is pretty spectacular looking outside. Hope to do some things out and about these next few weekends....

Peace and non-violent thoughts and energy to the students at my school -

C

when it rains it pours

This isn't going to be the most uplifting blog to date, so if you don't want to hear it, run now!
I just need a space to vent, as no one is answering their phone tonight, and I'm not at my house.

I miss EVERYTHING about fall 2008 right now.

-the amazing students at Marcy Open School

-the amazing teaching artists from CTC

-college life/living

-Minnesota fall weather

-not bottling up tons of negativity about my job ... but LOVING a job/internship/weekly schedule that made me look forward to the next day and the next day...

-Rarig Center

-seeing performances, musical, theatrical

-being more IN MY BODY

-having people I love always near me, supporting me every day in what I love to do

I know I should feel so lucky to have this opportunity to do all these workshops and classes, but structures out here are so much different, and don't make it easy. Right now I am finding that there is too much structure or not enough structure for my class to work out. I'm unhappy with the lack of support I am receiving in all directions- teaching, being a special ed teacher, being a workshop facilitator for TFA, being an enrichment teacher for Beacons.

It's not that I can't balance all of these things, but rather that it's I am not receiving constructive feedback on how I'm doing, or encouragement to keep doing what I am doing. Instead, people are making clumsy mistakes that reflect on me, other people are giving me more responsibilities that I don't want to have to take on. I guess I am realizing that I cannot be a one-woman-show, and I need people around me who are on the same page, who care about me and who want to see me succeed in being who I am and doing what I do.

I miss my friends, but I know I took on this challenge of being far away.

I miss CTC, Minneapolis, St. Paul, but I know I took on this challenge of doing the work in Denver.

I miss being more confident in what I am doing and feeling a sense of success in my work, but I know I have to be patient, because it will come later.

I just miss. but it will get better.

Happy first day of fall 2010,
C

Amazing Challenges ahead!

The school year has gotten off to a good start. Here is what my day looks like:

1st half hour- 'home room' type class, all 8th grade general education boys, we work on things like doing community service and outreach, character development and just building positive relationships. I love these guys already, I call them all my 'brothers.' Or as Jonathan said, 'brother from another mother of a different color.' They are a hilarious and awesome way to start each day.

2nd period - I teach 7th grade special education students in a Language Arts intervention class. There are 7 students right now, 4 girls and 3 boys. They are very low in their reading and writing skills, but the small class size and their excellent behavior excites me for the possibilities for growth they have this year. We have already completed half a unit in the first 2 weeks! They are flying!

3rd period - Mondays and Fridays I do inclusion support for one 8th grade algebra class, on the other days I use that period for IEP planning time and other paper work I have to do.

4th period - Lunch

5th period- Tuesday-Thursday I do inclusion support for another 8th grade algebra class for 8 students that are designated special education but just need extra help in math.

6th period - 8th grade team meeting/collaborating with teachers.

7th period - Inclusion support for 8th grade general education Language Arts.

Tuesday after school will be my IEP meetings, which I have one every Tuesday for the next 2 months. bummer.

Here comes the exciting news....... drum roolllllll......

I have been asked this year by the Beacon program at our school to teach on Mondays and Wednesdays after school a THEATER CLASS!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited, it starts the week after next. Busy planning that, will fill you in on more details later.

The other exciting commitment I have made this fall is through Teach for America. I will be doing 2 different workshops about Theatre of the Oppressed. This is the work I did my senior year in college, which dealt with using theatre games and techniques to 'rehearse for reality.' I am using 1 professional development seminar night to present one workshop to interested corps members in their 1st or 2nd year. I am then leading a group that will meet 3 times in October to do Theatre of the Oppressed work more in-depth and in a less formal setting. I am SO excited to teach about this and see what my colleagues think about it and have to contribute to what I already know! I am very intimidated with this challenge but know that this is what I came here to do and experiment with and I feel so lucky to have found these opportunities to give it a try.

In the mean time, busy busy planning for all of these things, getting into a new routine and enjoying the end of summer the best I can.

Bought my ski pass and a new ski jacket, so once the crazy fall is over, I'll be ready to hit the slopes. Things are great, things seem to really be falling in to place outside of school and into my passions and interests that got me here in the first place .

Peace-

C

Back in Action!

aaaaaaand we're back, for year number 2!

I had a fabulous summer, spending about half in Denver doing various things like hikes, baseball games, MOVING to a new and fabulous house, volunteering at El Museo de las Americas for their summer art camp, and enjoying little work! The other half I spent at home in Grayslake/Chicago, a quick trip back to Minneapolis, and then some exciting trips to places near here. I went on a camping trip with Joanna to 5 National Parks in 5 days- we spanned most of Colorado and some of Utah. . . Then I went up to Yellowstone with my grandma and then enjoyed Estes Park/Rocky Mountain NP with the rest of my family. It was definitely an eventful summer that contained the perfect balance of friends, family, nature and city life. I am so grateful!

School officially started for teachers on Friday, so we have had some all-day, intensive orientations since then, just getting back into the swing of things, moving classrooms, meeting new teachers, learning new systems, protocols, procedures, etc. Because my school has received a grant for "transformation" this year, the expectations for professionalism and quality instruction are very high, and so the administration is really cracking down on the teachers and that they are all working hard.

For sped teachers, this is a bit different. Schedules aren't yet complete, we've been moved into one office, I don't have my own classroom this year, I will only be teaching one class of language arts to 7th graders that are reading below a 3rd grade reading level, and then the rest of the day I will work as a consultant to the 8th grade teachers with special education students in their classes, either going in to support or pulling out small groups. I will have much more time to create good paperwork for the students, but I will have much less contact with students than I did last year. This is good and bad for many reasons, but mainly just adjusting to a new year and new expectations and finding the positive in all of it has been my main focus as of late. I definitely feel like I have more responsibility this year to lead as a 2nd year teacher, and I am not scared to speak out if there is something I believe that needs to be heard. I am also much more confident in my planning for my one class, because I have taught it before and I have a year of teaching under my belt. There are 5 Teach for America new teachers at our school and 3 are on the 8th grade team, so it is exciting to have the chance to work with them on differentiating for the special education students. While I won't have as much time or contact with students, or have my own classroom to welcome them into, I will have more energy and time to fill other responsibilities and balance a bit better. There are so many good opportunities to take advantage of this year, so why dwell on the negative things...

On that note! Still lots to do, but without a feeling of impossibility. Getting late, will post soon about how my students are this year! I get to meet them all on Tuesday.

Paz-

C

Catch up time

Lots to catch up on.

So the last week of school was so many things- busy, fun, stressful, odd, emotional, but it went by super quickly. We had finished our last class test, which I was pretty happy about - my class averaged 78% mastery on all the learning objectives I taught them this year. Not 80% but, very close. I was proud of all of them, but especially a few of them who made significant growth since the beginning of the school year.

Noel Idol was that Monday, I helped out by just helping to organize the students and put them on stage when they needed to go. It was very fun to see different groups of students who I didn't know, but also get to see a few of my students singing or dancing, really in their element. At the last performance, Mr. Madden played the piano and I sang a pop song with the kids on stage. It was pretty funny.

Tuesday was the 8th grade Continuation which I also helped out with, making sure all the kids were in their correct seats so they walked across the stage at the correct time. I also got to give each 8th grader their certificate as they shook the principal's hand. It was a really nice event, went by super fast, but the most rewarding part was when 2 of my students and their families came up to me and thanked me for my help this year. Made it all feel worth it!

Wednesday we took all the 8th graders to Six Flags for their big field trip. I only got to ride 2 rides with students, but it was a pretty fun day which ended in returning to the school and seeing them all in the hallway for a real tornado warning.

Thursday was only 6th graders in the school, mostly just cleaning out classrooms, moving things across the school to new classrooms, etc. The 8th grade teachers all went out to lunch, which was nice. Friday was no students, just some intense planning meetings and tying up lose ends for the summer.

I am volunteering go to do some work for the 'transformation' of the school based on our audit from the department of education this year. So this summer I will be volunteering for Noel, for TFA and at the Latin American Art museum in Denver. I'll also be all moved into the new house on Clarkson Street probably by the end of this week, and doing hikes all over Colorado. I have enjoyed my time at home, visiting friends in the city, relaxing around Grayslake, caught onto Blackhawk fever, and just unwinding a little. I will be back in IL a few more times in the upcoming months for 2 weddings- one I am in and one I am going to with my dad. Glad I can see my family since this year I have really not been able to spend a lot of time with them.

I am proud that I finished year one! There were lots of challenges that I overcame, and I think will make me a better teacher next year. I am so grateful for my students and all that we learned from each other. I will truly miss their hilarity and presences in my classroom- BUT I am actually excited to try some new things next year and possibly loop with some of the 6th graders I had this year and teach them in the 7th grade.

So the rest is in pictures! Enjoy- will probably update the ol' blog when it gets closer to the beginning of the school year.

Frida!
The girls outside the new house.

The living room in the new house.
My bedroom which is the upstairs of the house.
The beautiful kitchen.
At the reception with a student after the Continuation.

One of my students who was pretty much the star of Noel Idol, he MOONWALKED! It was amazing..
One of my students and I on the last day in my classroom, cleaning everything up and jamming out to Justin Bieber and Ke$ha. I will miss this one a lot.

quick update before I forget!

Too busy to make a big blog tonight, BUT I wanted to post some info on here before I forgot.

I will be in Grayslake/Chicago area from May 30th -June 9th, probably no visit to Minnesota in those 10 days, but look forward to one later in the summer. I need some time to relax at home and be with my family, as I feel like I have neglected them all year!

I am moving! June 15th will be my last day in the little apartment on 11th Ave, and I start my lease on a new house on June 5th, so I wanted to post the new address on here for snail mailers:

Caroline Younts

35 S Clarkson St.

Denver, CO 80209

ALSO I am a kitty mama! My friend John's dad rescued some kittens 2 weeks ago, and they have been kind enough to pass one kitten on to me. I will be picking her up when I get back to Denver- her name is Frida. :)

That's all! Will post about Noel Idol, Continuation and everything else later this week!

PEACE

The end is near!

2 more weeks left of school!

Yesterday I was able to check off one thing on my list of end-of -the -year deadlines. I gave my final presentation for my Participatory Action Research project for my licensure courses. I did my project on integrating theatre with literacy, and I gave a presentation that involved my audience acting things out, and I felt that I got my message and my project across pretty clearly. (I hope!)

Overall, the project was a good experience for me, not sure if I organized it the way they were hoping for, but I did the best I could and still have to turn in a final paper with it..

This week I have to give all my 8th graders their end of year assessments, so we are playing lots of review games, and doing some fun things as well. I have rewards for them, and we have a dance on Friday, talent show next Monday and 8th grade "Continuation" next Tuesday. I am helping out with all of these things, so it has been fun for me to be involved in more 'fun' school activities. Helps me meet more kids and do things that I enjoy, like working with the student council, getting to know other teachers and putting on something nice for the kids. I am getting quite sad that I have to say farewell to some of my students, we have become a little family this year, them being patient with me as a first year teacher, and me getting to know them on good an bad days. I can't believe the year is almost done! Look at all that has happened.

Also preparing for a good summer, getting ready to move out of my little apartment, sadly I have to move out because they are renovating the whole building.. but I am excited to move in with my 3 lovely TFA friends out here, and find a new house or some where that 4 girls can be comfortable. (we haven't found that yet) Been riding the emotional roller coaster lately about school being done, missing family and friends, overwhelmed with work for TILA and preparing for the end of the year, stupid boy problems, but I am settling into just realizing how much things have changed this year and where I am at in all these aspects. Really, things are good overall. I have come a long way, and have some excellent students, a positive outlook for next year, and exhaustion to show for it all!! :)

Will probably post continuation, end of year, etc photos soon. Stay tuned!

C

Practice what you preach!

Just a few thoughts before I forget them.

In the midst of things as crazy as ever, I am left wondering what else has to happen to further establish the ugly truth that educational systems, especially for the more disadvantaged, are highly, highly flawed. After a week of teachers being non-renewed at our school, to teachers not showing up for a sustained time, to countless student fights, outbursts, threats, bullying, emotional break downs of teachers and students, and the most disheartening of all, the lack of instructional time with our students, I have continued to work as hard as I can to do MY best and to maintain a positive outlook. However, I am not sure what else could happen for me to be even more shocked or repelled from working in public schools.

It seems like this year, I have seen it all, and while I have seen some people working on making real improvements, I think a lot of people are missing the point or are displacing the blame on other things. I think it all boils down to community; and not just one community. It has to do with several communities, coming together to see problems and see solutions to make change. I can't believe the racism, the sexism, the classism, the neglect to address BIG, and IMPORTANT issues that exist in my school. There are so many dysfunctional relationships and systems, and when all of these things collide nothing gets solved. Bitterness, hate, ego and pride all build a wall against cultivating a school community. There is such similarity in the community that my students live in and the culture that has been created at my school, and it is clearly a culture of violence and hate.

My solution is simple. Reach out to the community to better understand where this culture of violence stems from. Try to understand their community and make the school community transform in a way that they can understand how they can CHANGE their own neighborhood. It is SO important and SO obvious that the students need to be able to connect their own lives to the lives they lead in school during the week. When we walk around our school all day, pushing middle class values down their throats, speaking to them not in their native language, making them practice rituals that they don't understand, it is no wonder they will rebel. Respect to wanting an education and wanting to feel SAFE in a community has to start outward and move inward, it has to be fluid. It cannot sustain on its own within the walls of the school.

Do theatre! Make change by performing the problems that exist in Montbello. Act out how problems are solved with hateful words and violence. Put yourself as a person, as an actor, into that action and CHANGE it. Choose a different solution. Be kind, be peaceful. Show that with your actions. Let the community see the possibility of ACTING on change. Theater is REHEARSAL for REALITY. Make a show out of the injustices that exist in the community. I return to the passionate mission I had when I came out here, that theatre can be revolutionary, and can make change in communities that are falling a part. My school and its community are damaging each other. This extends any state standards, any district obligations, paper work, curriculum, assessment, data, any of that. These are people and it is their future. Our future.

WE are the only ones with the vision to empower people to make changes in ways they never imagined they could. I am hopeful but I know that it's going to take harder work than even I am putting in now.

Feeling like Obama/Boal/Freire at this point, I also want to remember good things such as...

KJ winning the Hope Scholarship for Most Improved in the 8th grade, and winning $500 for higher education.

BC's IEP meeting and how much he has improved this year.

DE's protectiveness, concern and interest in me and my life.

A good visit with my aunt and grandma this past weekend.

Feeling productive with work that has approaching deadlines..

Planning for a fun summer, doing work with El Museo del las Americas, a Latin American Art Museum in Denver.

Getting a long night's sleep to let this all sink in and make something meaningful out of the last few weeks of school.

C

Happy 1 year anniversary TFA!

A year ago today, I found out that I had been offered a sped placement in Denver, and look where I am now!

A year ago, I only had responsibility for myself and my theatre classes, my little house on 15th in Dinkytown and graduating with a decent GPA.

Now I am responsible for 37 middle school students with learning and emotional disabilities, not only for their education but for their paperwork, their success within the day and their future! I am responsible for myself and my own apartment, car, teaching licensure classes and district and TFA professional development. I am also responsible to other adults, teachers, administrators, parents and colleagues at my school and in my organization.

A year ago, I was entrenched in theatre for social change, performing, writing, working in Mpls/St Paul public schools and CTC, art history discussions about cultural implications and proposals for change in the world using art and critical thought.

Now I am entrenched in writing IEPs, lesson plans, literacy strategies, differentiation for different learners, doing active research in the classroom, completing a teaching portfolio, holding effective meetings, running a smooth classroom and continuously improving my practices in the classroom.

A year ago, I was surrounded by good friends, teachers, artists and family-ish close people in my life for me to depend on and talk to on a daily basis.

Now I am surrounded by 6th and 8th graders that look to me to be strong, consistent, trustworthy, all-knowing, and dependable for them on a daily basis. Talking to my support system of family and friends much more sparingly, and looking inward and in my students for a lot of answers to questions I have.

A year ago, I had no idea what was going to come next! But I embraced the uncertainty and challenge that this opportunity had to offer me. Now, I am here, and despite all the rough days and self doubt, I am doing just fine. Not failing and falling on my face, but constantly learning and putting myself up to the challenge of teaching in a high needs school to high needs kids.

A year ago, I saw a clear connection between my passion for theatre and arts integration in public schools improving literacy retention and proficiency. I had a vision for the impact I was going to make in schools if I was given my own opportunity to teach. Now, here I am, feeling like I just have to impulsively solve problems on a 'survival mode' basis. Struggling to see the time, energy, motivation, possibility of integrating theatre and art in my classroom. While doing this comes naturally, there are strains and pushes and pulls in all directions to teach a certain thing in a certain way. But I do think I have figured out what is missing and why it is missing. And I think from that, I can start to thread my own ideas into my teaching in the future and my plans for what may come next.

What's next? Maybe in a year I will know! In the mean time, only about 4 more instructional weeks with my students of this year. I am going to enjoy them and continue to embrace all the challenges that this time has to offer me.

Lots of love and gratefulness.

C

First time crying in the class room yesterday:

ADHD/SIED 6th grader was playing with a ball that we were playing a game with, and knocked over a picture that my parents had gotten from a SEDOL auction in Lake County that some special ed students had made.

This along with an SIED (specific identifiable emotional disorder) student telling me everything from my shoes didn't match that I was fat to that my hair is falling out.

Things to help make that memory go away:

The other 6th graders helping each other to clean up the mess and telling that it is okay to cry, and that is not stupid to get angry about something and cry.

D.E. telling me that he hates it when I am not there and that he doesn't learn anything in school when I am not there. Always being extremely protective of me and telling me that he won't be able to get through high school unless I am there to help him get through.

K.J writing an essay for the Hope Scholarship, which I nominated her for, and writing about how she would change immigration laws because of the struggles her family has gone through.

J.V. spending 2 hours to perfect his hurricane essay for me AND asking me every day to help him apply to high school.

B.C. telling me that me and another teacher are his role models, and that he feels safest coming into my classroom and he didn't feel safe before.

My 6th graders being hilarious and constructing beautiful thank you notes to all my donors for my literacy scripts project.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance you have to keep moving."

-Einstein

spring shock

As much as I adore my students and their always comical 'words of wisdom' to me in my dating efforts, I am having a difficult time adjusting to being back at school since Spring Break.

Maybe that is because I had an amazing week, being with friends, visiting with Jessy, who came to visit me, and an extremely fun trip to Seattle and surrounding areas in Washington. Break was a whirlwind of friends, food, laughter and relaxation.

First, we celebrated Amanda's birthday and the beginning of break the first weekend of break. That Sunday, Jessy flew in and spent 3 days with me. We went hiking in Boulder, visited the brewery in Fort Collins, and did our normal 'Jessy and Caroline' thing.. On Wednesday I flew to Seattle with Joanna to visit her brother, aunt, uncle and cousins. We spent 2 nights with her brother in Everett, WA where he works at Boeing. Then we spent a night down town Seattle exploring the night life where her rambunctious cousins. The last night before Easter, we stayed at her aunt and uncle's place in Issaquah. It is a beautiful area and her family was so wonderful to me and accommodating. We had a nice Easter and sorrowfully returned to a busy busy week with lots of work, SNOW and school.

Ah, but the count down has officially begun. 7 more weeks until spring break! (and I am beginning to feel like I might just miss my little angelitos after all)

Hope spring has sprung where you are. Sending love and sunshine.

C

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kiddos on the field trip down town

I wanted to give myself some time before I was completely cliche and jumped on my blog to vent about my awful week.

After being a day away from that week, it could have been much more awful and in the collection of weeks of this year, there have been worse. I think I just have hit the point where I am less concerned about my opportunities as a teacher and willing to put

myself on the line for my students. I have consciously decided that this is not my life-long career, that the people I work with are just colleagues for these two years and I am not going to compromise my relationships with them for the relationships and futures of my students.

Being a sped teacher puts you in a tough spot- you are the one teacher that "gets" kids that other teachers don't "get" or choose not to try to "get." You are constantly the dumping ground for 'unwanted' kids or undesirable behaviors and problems because you are supposed to have the magic recipe for curing them or keeping them civilized for 90 minutes of the day. You are also the dumping ground for their complaints and frustrations with their own capabilities of teaching those kids or seeing those kids in the hallways. And I guess I can't blame them because with

out understanding your position or effort and without understanding the students' weaknesses and areas of deficiencies how else are they supposed to cope? Being a general education teacher is tough as well. Handling the work and grades for 100+ students, teaching the same lesson 3 times in a day, having admin and district people constantly checking you for fidelity of the curriculum and your ass being on the line if your students are performing at their best (because none of them have learning disability crutches). If I put myself in the position of a general ed teacher at my school, I would probably be frustrated for reasons that I don't even skim in my position. I have to consider that..

However, I will never forge

t this week because for the first time in this "professional" stage in my life, I have never felt so strongly about being discredited. It's been a building feeling but a certain disagreement and argument in a meeting and in the parking lot this week pretty much solidified my feeling of complete underestimation.

At the end of it, it worked out to my favor at the disappointment of my colleague, but being my next door neighbor teacher, there remains an awkward tension. And as hard as I try, I don't know if I'll be able to shake off the words that were exchanged or the feeling that sat in my gut all week. I also don't know if I will be able to NOT try to constantly prove that teacher wrong. For the rest of the year, I am challenging this teacher in my efforts to make MY students the best that they can be.

And challenging myself to look at this as a constructive opportunity to turn things in a different direction and to maybe put myself in a gen ed teacher's position.

C

CSAP Week 2

We are in the middle of CSAP-ing (the Colorado standardized test) and it feels like a marathon!

The kids test in the morning and then there is a modified schedule in the afternoon which makes all of us cranky because of the lack of a longer lunch and planning time. However, my students are really rallying and taking it seriously and I am proud of their stamina and positivity.

It's been interesting, since I teach special education I have had to provide the appropriate accommodations for the students that need it- such as, extended time to take the test, or orally read directions and test items. So a lot of what I have been struggling with is making sure that all the kids are getting these accommodations taken care of by me or someone in the school. Since I can only have 10 in my class, I have really had to take a stand for several of my kids to make sure they got over their test anxiety and were in an environment where they could test. There has also been a lot of pressure on our school specifically to do exceptional on the CSAP because we are "in the red" as far as middle schools in DPS goes... It's frustrating for me and my kids because the test is just too hard for them plainly, and they are not learning the things on the test because they are not reading at grade level. I feel bad for them, but I am working hard to have enough energy for all of us in the room and to get through the 2 weeks it takes and celebrate when its over!

Last Wednesday I had a great time taking 4 of my students to the Nuggets game for a fundraiser for a Northeast Denver Charter School. I invited 2 of my kids who have had good behavior and told them they could each bring one friend. We drove downtown and took the MallRide to the Pepsi Center and met up with other Noel people and some of my friends. It was a lot of fun for me and the kids I think, although the next day I was pretty exhausted from being out so late the night before! I hope that they always remember that game and know that they are important to me.

My parents had to put my 16 year old kitty to sleep, so I have been thinking of Horace memories.. if anyone has them send them my way. He was a crazy cat but I loved him as a member of my family. One of my students' dog got hit by a car last week, and he cried all day. I told him that I cried a lot too about my kitty and we drew pictures of Medusa and Horace. (his dog) No matter how old you are, it's always hard to lose a pet.

Sending love and warm Colorado weather to where you are-

C

I adore my students.

Happy to be skiing at Vail on a powder day. 8 " of fresh powder! Ouch!

Lots going on right now. We are preparing the students for the CSAP which is the standardized test in Colorado. There is a lot at stake for our school to do well on these tests, so we have been having lots of meetings and plannings for how we will get them to do well. I am nervous for the kids, they have a lot of pressure on them, so I have been trying to go easier on them lately. They have enough test anxiety as it is, but I know they will try their best. This whole thing puts lots of stress on the school, teachers, admin, etc. so it will be a much more enjoyable place when the CSAP is done and over with. It lasts 2 weeks, the 1st and 2nd weeks in March, so send positive thoughts to Noel Middle School kids...

Otherwise, been busy with visitors, TILA and TFA work, etc. The usual, usually.

Last Thursday I found out that I had to re-interview for my job due to budget cuts for special ed teachers at my school. After a nervous 24 hours and flashback to last year when I interviewed, I found out that evening that I was safe, and have my job for next year. This is just another reminder and reflection on the condition of the schools we are in out here. While I get frustrated with situations like budget cuts and misunderstandings about the importance of special education, I am starting to just digest all of these experiences and remembering that this is a stepping stone. I am learning a ton out here, having good and bad days, but in the end I am going to take this and let it lead me some where else. I am always grateful for the good and bad experiences, but I know that my power is limited. I am starting to see what battles I should take on and which I shouldn't and how everything is going to improve me as a person in the end.

Sending love to home(s) where the people I love are. I miss my support system.

C

always the ying and the yang. . .

c.c. - Miss, I know how the swine got the flu! He ate too much garbage. We're all going to get the swine flu if we eat bacon!

m.j. - Miss, I think you gave me this grade on purpose to me because I am black.

some funny/interesting tidbits of the teaching life:

v.g - "Miss, what's masturbation??" (sincerely asking me this as the rest of the 6th graders snicker...)

k.j's journal entry about how it bothers her when the boys are mean to me and destroy things in my classroom.

d.e. wanting to hang out after school and help me in my classroom.

d.b. telling me that I need to do my hair differently and never wear boots because I need to meet men. Telling me also that I need a myspace in order to meet a man.

A bunch of the kids are now calling me Miss Llantas (sounds like yantas) which means Miss Tires. "Miss Llantas! Miss Llantas! It's funny but getting old already.

Tons of procrastination occurring over here, stuff I should have done but haven't because of vistors galore.

At least they are still making me laugh. At least I am being told I am doing a good job for the most part..? This job is very blind and frustrating but I am surviving!

- C

Whew..

The last 1o days have absolutely flown by!

Besides school being crazy busy with IEP meetings, preparation for the CSAP, tutoring, etc. Mike B. came last Thursday for interviews out here, and stayed with me for a week, and just left today.

We did all kinds of fun things while he was here including another Coors Brewery tour, a night out in LoDo, an Avalanche (pro hockey) game, a Nuggets game, and some nights out in Cap Hill. Lots of fun, very little sleep, but good to see him and show him around Denver.

This past Thursday my room mate from college, Jackie, came with her best friend out here from Wisconsin for a ski/snowboard trip to Keystone. I took a sick day Friday and we skiied a half day and then a full day Saturday. We had a blast, spent the night out there with another friend from college, enjoyed the slopes and some good drinks and eats.

It was hard/sad for me to say good bye to everyone today because I hate it when people leave me, but I have a very busy week ahead. I have a video lab for my licensure class, (where I have to record myself teaching and the other students in my class watch and critique me) I have parent/teacher conferences in the evening two days this week, and chaperoning the Valentine's dance on Friday. Then we have next Monday and Tuesday off. It will be crazy getting through this week but AMAZING to have a 4 day weekend.

I went to Daunte's basketball game at the Boys and Girls club last Thursday and watched him play. He's pretty good! I was happy to show my support for him and see what he is passionate about. Even though he is squirrely in class, he is quite good at basketball, and he loves to play. I have invested a lot in him and had some good conversations with him about school, life, etc. I enjoy him as a student and hope that going to his game made a little difference.

Okay, have to finish up one project for my class then off to bed for a busy week ahead.

r.c.- "Miss, are you white?"

TRYING to make worthwhile conversations out of comments like this and other 'learning opportunities.'

Feeling like a failure most of the time.

but when that little kiddo shows me what he knows in math, I feel good. I feel like I helped him with that algebra. Who would have imagined?

Is it bad that I am already looking at grad school applications and I am barely keeping up with my teaching licensure class right now?

So far in contention are....

University of Texas at Austin

UC Berkeley

CUNY

Arizona State

Northwestern

I should be spending more time on "continuously increasing my effectiveness" as a teacher RIGHT NOW in DPS!! But instead my mind is wandering to the future.

Lots of stress from administration on us to get our kiddos prepared for the CSAP (standardized test in Colorado coming up in March). Historically, our school has done very poorly and we are in danger of being shut down if we don't do better this year. While I care about Noel's reputation and achievement, it is difficult for me to get my students invested in data and in difficult test questions. They don't see the importance of it, and quite honestly, to me the test seems tailored to students that are learning things that my students may never be able to comprehend. (not students that come from our demographics at Noel, and certainly not sped students) It is a battle but it is one that I feel I just have to succumb to and try my best to make other people happy, while the wrath of my students' frustration about the inaccessibility of this test gets taken out on me.. :(

Things that make me smile as of lately:

upcoming visits from friends from college and high school

a new paddle plant I have brought to liven up my classroom

my new car, Rosita and her CO license plates

my amazing friend Joanna Polacek

keeping myself healthy by:

trying yoga at 24 hour fitness

running on the treadmill (in the high altitude! hell yeah!)

considering myself a new vegetarian :)

only staying late at school 2 nights a week

talking to good friends on the phone at least one night a week

keeping it all in check,

C

"Miss, how did God die? How was God born?"

I don't know, that's a very deep question.

"We don't know how Don King was born! We just know he came out and said, God Bless America!"

words that start with "ex" (in the 6th grade)

ex - plain

ex - pect

ex- it

ex-poop

what is ex-poop? that's not a word?

l.g. - "yes it is! It's when a dog poops out like an X."

ex -quisite.

awesome! what does exquisite mean?

j.h. - "it's when you ex and then you quiz it."

:) if everything else sucks, those quotes of the day do not suck.

Back in Denver, happy, healthy and survived the first week back (barely).

Quick update:

-Lots to do! Came back to a dirty apartment and tons of laundry so I felt much better after I got super domestic and cleaned, cooked, washed clothes and organized my Denver life!

-New car is coming in a week! While I was home, my dad helped me out to pick out a red, used Ford Escape that I am going to pay for and title all by myself! He's driving out here this weekend. Very adult decision and commitment, and while I am sad to say good bye to the little yellow beetle, I'm excited to have a new set of wheels to drive out to the mountains in!

-Joined 24 hour Fitness and quit Corepower yoga: less expensive and more options for working out. I like it a lot so far, and already went to a kickboxing class on Tuesday that I think I'll continue going to to relieve stress and get out my frustration! Also have been cooking and eating mostly vegetarian since I've been back. Small but certain steps to stay healthy and heath-conscious. . .

-Skiied at Breckenridge with a bunch of friends on Saturday and tackled moguls! The upcoming Olympics are getting me inspired to push myself out there.. It was scary but awesome. I am really loving the skiing and have lots of plans in the upcoming months to go out skiing as much as possible with friends here and people coming in to visit me.

School -ish things:

-Lots of IEP meetings for January

-Several new students either in my class or on my caseload that I've had to observe or work with, my classroom is changing quite a bit.

-Re-structuring my 6th grade class, new plan, going to be great.

-Tough meetings with students coming back to public school from treatment centers.

-Tough student with mental illness who I have taken on as the designated consultant for the intervention process. (long words to say that I am responsible for her and for getting her the help she needs, which is something I really don't know)

Nothing prepares you for this kind of work. No one tells you how deeply involved you become. I am hanging in there and I will do my best! I think that all of this is meant to teach me, mold me and guide me to something and when I get there, I'll know why I've overcome all these challenges.

Until then, lots of deep breathes.

Lots of love,

C