Funny, at the end of this month of integrity I found myself this morning at Corona Presbyterian Church. After some thought and conversation about faith, I thought I’d return to the first faith I’ve ever known. The service I attended was called the contemporary service, in a humble small church in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. I actually pass this church every day on my way to work, and so this morning as I pulled open the heavy door from the busy street outside, I was quite pleased with the welcoming warmth I found inside this place.

The experience was symbolic, in a word. There were moments throughout the service that I really recognized community, I saw love, I felt uplifting and some kind of connection. I saw it in the people that greeted me, asked me my name and told me I had a beautiful name, that there were others there for the first time, so I was in good company. There were also moments in which I felt really distracted, a bit uncomfortable and restless. Contemporary technological elements in church in general are strange to me, and the ‘praise band’ idea, (withe people raising their arms and swaying during the song) also puts me off, guess I’m a church traditionalist?

Anyhow, I think the biggest ah-ha moment I had while listening to the sermon about Jesus’ baptism, was about Christianity in general. It’s really not that hard to access, it’s basically just one history lesson. And if you subscribe to the message that these people in history are teaching, then you’ll find it easier to live a life for a sublime ending. You just have to believe it, own it, and carry it with you always. If you accept that everything that happens to you is a part of a plan to guide you some where greater, then you can be a Christian.

The symbolism therein lies in connecting my experience today and the questions I have remaining about my faith (and indirectly my integrity to that faith.) That sometimes, in life, we’ll see love, community and feel connection. I feel this with my family and my good friends. I feel connection when I am having a good day with my students, community with my co-workers whom I adore, and absolutely uplifted when I marvel at my natural surroundings in the middle of the mountains, (which I am so lucky to frequently enjoy.)
But this is also to be reminded that there are always going to be moments of distraction, uncomfortable and restless. Distracted and restless because of the pace of life and the instantaneous expectations we have today. Uncomfortable because of the unknown circumstances we find ourselves in. Distracted by negativity and laziness, distracted by what we THINK is hard when we don’t accept the present for what it is. Uncomfortable when we are thrown a curveball and we don’t trust that all we need to persevere is within us. But all we HAVE to do is make a choice, CHOOSE something to help you accept this balance that you have to maintain. Live by that balance, and know that there’s never any reason to feel hopeless.

I think more than anything else this month of setting my intention on integrity, I’ve see that one, simple truth. Whether it’s God or Jesus or the Rocky Mountains or Buddha or Barack Obama, whatever messages are being sent to us through struggles and successes, we have to trust that all we need is inside us. I’ve worked really hard this month to strengthen relationships with the people I live with, the people that I interact with on a daily basis. I have found that it is totally worth the energy I have within me to make sure I am treating all with love. No matter how down I can get about the status of whatever it may be, I can return to that trust or faith that I WILL persevere.

24

Returning to integrity, maintaining my 'moral uprightness.'
Still crafting what this means, but turning 24 and zooming out on all the things I have acquired following SOMETHING, lead me to believe that any morals I've chosen along the way have given me some of the most amazing gifts.

One thing I am most proud of that contribute to my morals and my honesty to those morals, are the strong bonds I maintain with my family. I am proud that I am honest with them about who I am and what I am about and that I can share my ups and downs with them no matter what I am surfing through.

I am proud of the friends I have chosen, along every leg of every journey I have been on in my 24 years, some spanning short times and distances and others surviving throughout it all. Each friend I have found has given me gifts of love and a reflection of myself that has helped me piece together the person I am.

Honoring nature, good health, music, this vessel (my body), laughter, the above mentioned people in my life and living as close to love as I possibly can... These are morals I strive to uphold.

Grateful that since my last birthday I have
-committed to being a vegetarian
-experienced falling in love for a bit
-made more amazing friends
-travelled around Colorado and seen so much beauty
-developed into a better, more balanced teacher


Here's to more years of being mindful of what is important to honor and what is important to leave behind.
Here's to integrity to what has helped me arrive at this rich, and full life that I have had so far and what I have in front of me.
Here's to today.

C

You don't need...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMFpZRDYha4

Thanks to my best friend for this. In the spirit of its humor and truth, here are some things I love about me:

- how I have developed more patience over the last year and a half
- how I don't typically quit things I've started
- my ability to create a warm, welcoming environment (for friends, co-workers, students)
- my enthusiasm for certain sports teams or sporting e vents
- my passion and knowledge of performance and art
- the good friends I've kept over all the time and space
- my nose piercing :)
- my willingness to try new things


That's enough to make me feel good for now. Going into turning 24 with gladness but some worry about the future. Grateful mostly and anticipating the next adventure that awaits me.

Day 3

Not going to bad, working really hard on focusing on positivity and concentrating on kindness, combatting every moment of darkness with light. It's exhausting! It's tough work, especially going back to school and being confronted with co-workers who experience dread of coming back to school and the uncertainty of jobs next year is still looming in the air.

I made it to the gym today and did a decent job with food choices. Tried to get to bed early last night but that back to school anxiety set in when I turned off the light and I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. I'll try for 10pm tonight...
I think turning up the volume on my energy level is going to help with the exhaustion that fighting off negative comments brings. I can't even imagine how tiring it is going to be once the kids come back, today I only had to talk with teachers!

The las few days I have felt very much like an adult. I think engaging in negativity may be perceived or feel much like being immature or childish. It's easier to join in on the griping or whining than to hover above it and maintain serenity and focus. I feel like all the decisions I have made since Saturday morning have been leading me towards making people around me happy and in turn, making myself happier but it has all been very serious and concentrated. I wonder if I can achieve a balance of positivity, energy as well as light-heartedness, and not taking myself too seriously.

I know that this work is going to bring rewards.

Integrity

Thanks to the brilliance of a friend’s ideas, the encouragement and love of my mom and the inspiration of lots of reading and thinking I have been doing, I have come up with a 2011 action plan. Coming naturally to a TFA teacher/planner/leader, I had to break down each idea and philosophical tenet to its true meaning and backwards plan from there. But I feel confidence in these ideas and believe even this first month’s theme will help me to commit to living a happier, more grateful day-to-day life.

January - Integrity
definitition: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

So based on this definition, I start with honesty. I ask myself, if I am honest with myself...
-I know I am unhappy because of my health, inside and outside

If I am honest with myself...
I will hold myself accountable for eating well and exercising
I will hold myself accountable for going to the dentist!
I will acknowledge my feelings and do constructive things to combat the destructive ones
I will reflect every day on my progresses and failures
I will begin to detach from the things that I indulge in
negativity, self-hate, laziness, regret

Next I move to moral principles... what are my moral principles? (a question I have decidedly never really asked myself)

What are my morals?
-Being healthy and happy inside and out are priorities that need to come first.
-Being loving, mindful and kind come once the first priority is meant.

What does this mean?
Being happy means acting happy and making other people happy
Being healthy means practicing self love, to the outside and inside

In Buddhism, there are the Four Noble Truths. And the last of those truths in once again broken down into the Eightfold Path. I subscribe to Buddhism right now for 2 reasons. First, because recently the times I feel closest to God are when I am meditating Buddhist prayers or practicing yoga. Second because I love how there are lists, numbers, simple ideas that are broken down in a way that I feel I can access and understand. Mainly, the path that I am most drawn to comes down to these three tenets.
Wisdom: having the right view and intention to make positive change
Ethical conduct: having the right speech, action and livelihood to make positive change
Concentration - making the right effort, mindfulness, and concentration to make positive change (Samadhi)
Making an effort to improve
awareness to see things for what they are with clear consciousness, being aware of the present reality within oneself without any craving or aversion
correct meditation or concentration

Ironically enough, the yoga studio I am joining this year is called Samadhi, and so I felt even more drawn to this last challenge, concentration on training the mind to be brighter and and clearer.

So this month, I will focus on integrity. Being honest with others but primarily being honest with myself and the things I can and cannot do.
Upholding my moral principles, that somehow break down into their smaller components within these 3 Buddhist tenets. Changing my habits by concentrating on an improved attitude and outlook. Sounds selfish, but throughout all of this thinking, reading and speaking it has become clear that taking care of yourself must come before you can even think of taking care of others. And also that if you are happier, then you will make the people around you happier.

I will continue to use this space as one to reflect on my teaching experiences, but also as a space to reflect on these monthly commitments and how they are effecting me and my day-to-day experiences teaching. I think that reflection is a huge part of growth and I think this will help me be transparent and HONEST about the efforts I'm making.
So cheers to 2011 and a month of Integrity.