Integrity

Thanks to the brilliance of a friend’s ideas, the encouragement and love of my mom and the inspiration of lots of reading and thinking I have been doing, I have come up with a 2011 action plan. Coming naturally to a TFA teacher/planner/leader, I had to break down each idea and philosophical tenet to its true meaning and backwards plan from there. But I feel confidence in these ideas and believe even this first month’s theme will help me to commit to living a happier, more grateful day-to-day life.

January - Integrity
definitition: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

So based on this definition, I start with honesty. I ask myself, if I am honest with myself...
-I know I am unhappy because of my health, inside and outside

If I am honest with myself...
I will hold myself accountable for eating well and exercising
I will hold myself accountable for going to the dentist!
I will acknowledge my feelings and do constructive things to combat the destructive ones
I will reflect every day on my progresses and failures
I will begin to detach from the things that I indulge in
negativity, self-hate, laziness, regret

Next I move to moral principles... what are my moral principles? (a question I have decidedly never really asked myself)

What are my morals?
-Being healthy and happy inside and out are priorities that need to come first.
-Being loving, mindful and kind come once the first priority is meant.

What does this mean?
Being happy means acting happy and making other people happy
Being healthy means practicing self love, to the outside and inside

In Buddhism, there are the Four Noble Truths. And the last of those truths in once again broken down into the Eightfold Path. I subscribe to Buddhism right now for 2 reasons. First, because recently the times I feel closest to God are when I am meditating Buddhist prayers or practicing yoga. Second because I love how there are lists, numbers, simple ideas that are broken down in a way that I feel I can access and understand. Mainly, the path that I am most drawn to comes down to these three tenets.
Wisdom: having the right view and intention to make positive change
Ethical conduct: having the right speech, action and livelihood to make positive change
Concentration - making the right effort, mindfulness, and concentration to make positive change (Samadhi)
Making an effort to improve
awareness to see things for what they are with clear consciousness, being aware of the present reality within oneself without any craving or aversion
correct meditation or concentration

Ironically enough, the yoga studio I am joining this year is called Samadhi, and so I felt even more drawn to this last challenge, concentration on training the mind to be brighter and and clearer.

So this month, I will focus on integrity. Being honest with others but primarily being honest with myself and the things I can and cannot do.
Upholding my moral principles, that somehow break down into their smaller components within these 3 Buddhist tenets. Changing my habits by concentrating on an improved attitude and outlook. Sounds selfish, but throughout all of this thinking, reading and speaking it has become clear that taking care of yourself must come before you can even think of taking care of others. And also that if you are happier, then you will make the people around you happier.

I will continue to use this space as one to reflect on my teaching experiences, but also as a space to reflect on these monthly commitments and how they are effecting me and my day-to-day experiences teaching. I think that reflection is a huge part of growth and I think this will help me be transparent and HONEST about the efforts I'm making.
So cheers to 2011 and a month of Integrity.

Chicago-ish review / crummy day / grad school update

Fresh off from Thanksgiving, I have to say that it is always pleasant and rejuvenating to be back in the Chicagoland area. As I have become older, I have spent more time in the city as a young person, veering away from Lake County, IL and travelling down to the city to visit friends and experience their city life. Not as massive or seemingly unaccessible as NYC, Chicago has a home town charm within the big city feel. Having to take the El or a taxi to get around, it's exciting for me each time I visit to uncover new places for beer, food, meet up with friends that have made their lives in the Windy City. Similarly chilly like Minneapolis with an equivalently broad theater and art scene, Chicago could have a place for me some day. I can definitely see it being financially an adjustment from Denver, but the skyline could be my new adopted mountain view I suppose.

On that note, will be sending the Northwestern app away soon, on Sunday I finalized the Berkeley application. My goal is to turn one in each Sunday in December so I have completed them all before Christmas break. Nothing weighing on me, I can just go back and enjoy Chicago to the fullest. This Sunday will be that purple and white school I have applied to twice before, the to the school I want to go to the most, the University of Texas at Austin, then finally sending another application to CUNY. This whole grad school app process has been tiring and has filled me with plenty of doubts, but I do think that it was the right thing to do and if it works out, will be a great next step for me.

Right now, work is tough. I got an additional 8th grade class of special ed students but I am teaching the general education curriculum at a modified pace. The kids have a great desire to improve and learn, but their motivation to get started or to think outside the box, is super low. Today I got a few blows after I had told them that we were behind the class they had moved out of, due to poor attendance and tardies to my class. I was speaking the truth to them, that we are only really one day behind the class, but to them it seemed like the world. . . They were angry and asked why did I move them out of that class, why can't they go back to that class, why do we do different things in here. I told them that I had picked them to be in my class so that we could move at a different pace and get in different activities that would help them MORE in the long run. That I was changing things up and trying to get them to write in any way that I can. They HATE writing, they had a standardized writing test today, and so I think they were mostly taking their frustration of that test out on me. I was proud of them for understanding that this is going to take a lot of hard work, but I would be lying if I said their words didn't hurt me.

But when I got home tonight, I was reactionary and put a few hours into a solid plan for tomorrow that will hopefully re-energize us all. Unfortunately, it seems like teaching in these conditions sets you into that cycle. One tough day sends you into an inspirational whirlwind of planning and scheming new ways to respond to the students' needs. Unfortunately, your creative or sensitive instincts aren't enough, and you can never predict how a group of middle schoolers are going to respond to you on any given day.

I appreciate my students for helping me find purpose in what I am doing and for being honest and responsive. I just want them to wake up and realize why this is important. And why it is going to take more than just ME but me AND them to improve their writing this year.

Any teachers or wise old owls out there have any excellent writing strategies/investment strategies for me and my students, send them this way. :)

And welcome December.

C

Caroline in New York City

I am going to use this as a space to continue to reflect on my teaching experiences and developing work towards teaching theatre, BUT I am also going to start using it as a space to practice my writing skills as well as paint pictures of the places I may be heading off to next year, as I visit them and experience them to the fullest.

Untouchable, unmanageable, unfriendly, unclean, unaccessible. All un-words that most people want to use to describe NYC. But I’d challenge most people to get a map and ride the subway any where in the city, just get out and walk around the stop that intrigues them most. For me this time around, it was a quick trip to a school in the Bronx to meet some students and teachers for a possible job opportunity. Theres an incredible freedom of riding below the busy streets and sidewalks, and emerging into some where unlike where you descended into the subway system. I guess it may take an adventurous type to enjoy this mystery, dirtiness and complicated puzzle, but it’s not a stretch to say that I don’t think it is hard for most to find that there is so much beauty in New York in these little complications.

Two of my friends who have recently moved to “the city” say, like most people, that they’ve known they wanted to live here their whole lives. That they knew they wanted to be here and however hard or stressful the lifestyle can be, that they know they are in the right place right now. Operating on two extremely different ends of the spectrum in terms of career and current financial situations, my two friends are getting by. One friend, in a high rise flat near Lincoln Square, my other friend commuting 90 minutes by train every day from Jersey City, they both have made it work for them in their separate ways; taking the subway and trains, buses, versus walking or paying cab fare to get around the city. Socializing on the Upper East Side with financial buisness men, versus working multiple jobs every day and barely making bill payments and rent. Staying awake until 8am, then sleeping until 4pm to work a night shift for half of the week, adjusting to a sleep schedule that half a million other people share. All of these factors weighed out by the quality of opportunities that present themselves on any given day or night. Meeting famous TV producers, actors, musicians, theorists, playwrights, people who probably went through the same day-to-day struggles, living and working side by side the ones who just moved out there to get their start. It’s a trade- off for sure, life style, work ethic but it seems as though it leads people to amazing opportunities they wouldn’t have otherwise even touched. While both of them have used the words, “New York can kick your ass,” they have also rebounded from that and experienced small personal victories like finding an amazing bakery or farmer’s market. For every nasty day, there is always sun the next.

As a little girl, I played the role of “Annie” in the popular musical about a feisty red-headed orphan that falls up on the fortunate run-in with Daddy Warbucks, a rich New Yorker who exposes her to the ‘good life’ and all the riches New York has to offer. I remember learning the lines that Annie says to Daddy Warbucks about how amazing New York City is from the other side, and the sing together, “NYC.... what is it about you? You’re big, you’re loud, you’re tough.” At the risk of being completely cliche, at this point I feel a little like Annie, coming to New York with wonder and amazement, not yet experiencing the jaded attitude many feel quickly after they’ve been out here a few times. I’m still marveled by the endless possibilities that seem to exist here, the cute cafes, shops, the subway, skyscrapers, everything. Making a decision about moving to New York is a big deal, no matter how many connections or how much confidence you’ve collected. I guess deciding if trading off comfort for connections, food for professional advancement, and taking new inventory on what makes you happy- maybe it’s the subway ride or the skyline or seeing someone you know on the street (this happened to me!) This time around I can really feel this place in my grasp, I can see where I would live, work, socialize, but I can also see how quickly I could become jaded as well, and worn down by the crowds, the dirt, the immensity. Either way, I appreciate that this big city has found a little place of possibility for me.

Let's see...

Today we had a breakthrough in my theater group...

I am so proud of these students and the things that they overcome before they come to school.

These kids have HARD LIVES. Every day, piece by piece I hear more about their parents, their families, what they go through when they are at home, and I become more and more proud of them for the efforts that they make on a daily basis. Hoping that I can offer them any kind of solace when they are in school and that they allow school to maintain as their place of peace and safety...

Mid-October sickness has arrived as it does yearly, so coping with lots of vitamin C and plenty of rest is always the perfect remedy. Happy to see my parents this coming weekend, happy to have a little break coming up. Planning for the future little by little and learning something EVERY day. No matter how hard it can be sometimes, I know that compared to the stress I handle, these kids are handling 10 times more.

ALSO everyone who can should see the film, "Waiting for Superman." It's an excellent documentary about the achievement gap and what educational reformers all around the country are doing about it. Definitely take time to see it.

Tonight I am thinking about KB and hoping her father is taking care of her and loving her, DR and KA, hoping that they feel loved.

Paz

C

Good day for theatre!

Yay, I'm finally seeing something in these girls in my theatre class!

After a jaded last 2 days at RBN, filled with several, pretty serious fights, I think I brought at least 7 girls some safety. I wrote them all notes today and delivered them to their classes to remind them to come to theatre class today, and they all came! We acknowledged those that hadn't come, and how we would feel their void and think about why they weren't with us (they had been in fights, and probably didn't feel safe to stay after school) then we carried out business as usual, playing theatre games and doing spatial and body awareness exercises and reflections. They were hilarious, made me laugh, made me think, challenged each other.

I LOVE DOING THIS. At the end of class, we stood in a circle and touched one person that made us smile, one person that made us laugh and one person that made us feel safe, and they all touched me... :)

If I'm not doing anything else other than making them feel safe, that's a success to me.

Last week I facilitated a group in the Teach for America professional development for first years, and I had 3 attendees. While that sounds bad, it was actually wonderful. All of the participants were happy to learn from me and try new things. They were all enthusiastic about getting into the work, asked questions and we had a great experience together. They gave me such good ratings that I was asked to go to Albuquerque to present to other TFA-ers in the Southwest!!! What an honor! Not sure if I am going to take it but this Sunday I start my first DCA group with some TFA friends/ teachers and I am really looking forward to seeing how it unravels...

Starting to cool off here in Colorado, still some 80-90 degree days, but the leaves are changing and it is pretty spectacular looking outside. Hope to do some things out and about these next few weekends....

Peace and non-violent thoughts and energy to the students at my school -

C

when it rains it pours

This isn't going to be the most uplifting blog to date, so if you don't want to hear it, run now!
I just need a space to vent, as no one is answering their phone tonight, and I'm not at my house.

I miss EVERYTHING about fall 2008 right now.

-the amazing students at Marcy Open School

-the amazing teaching artists from CTC

-college life/living

-Minnesota fall weather

-not bottling up tons of negativity about my job ... but LOVING a job/internship/weekly schedule that made me look forward to the next day and the next day...

-Rarig Center

-seeing performances, musical, theatrical

-being more IN MY BODY

-having people I love always near me, supporting me every day in what I love to do

I know I should feel so lucky to have this opportunity to do all these workshops and classes, but structures out here are so much different, and don't make it easy. Right now I am finding that there is too much structure or not enough structure for my class to work out. I'm unhappy with the lack of support I am receiving in all directions- teaching, being a special ed teacher, being a workshop facilitator for TFA, being an enrichment teacher for Beacons.

It's not that I can't balance all of these things, but rather that it's I am not receiving constructive feedback on how I'm doing, or encouragement to keep doing what I am doing. Instead, people are making clumsy mistakes that reflect on me, other people are giving me more responsibilities that I don't want to have to take on. I guess I am realizing that I cannot be a one-woman-show, and I need people around me who are on the same page, who care about me and who want to see me succeed in being who I am and doing what I do.

I miss my friends, but I know I took on this challenge of being far away.

I miss CTC, Minneapolis, St. Paul, but I know I took on this challenge of doing the work in Denver.

I miss being more confident in what I am doing and feeling a sense of success in my work, but I know I have to be patient, because it will come later.

I just miss. but it will get better.

Happy first day of fall 2010,
C

Amazing Challenges ahead!

The school year has gotten off to a good start. Here is what my day looks like:

1st half hour- 'home room' type class, all 8th grade general education boys, we work on things like doing community service and outreach, character development and just building positive relationships. I love these guys already, I call them all my 'brothers.' Or as Jonathan said, 'brother from another mother of a different color.' They are a hilarious and awesome way to start each day.

2nd period - I teach 7th grade special education students in a Language Arts intervention class. There are 7 students right now, 4 girls and 3 boys. They are very low in their reading and writing skills, but the small class size and their excellent behavior excites me for the possibilities for growth they have this year. We have already completed half a unit in the first 2 weeks! They are flying!

3rd period - Mondays and Fridays I do inclusion support for one 8th grade algebra class, on the other days I use that period for IEP planning time and other paper work I have to do.

4th period - Lunch

5th period- Tuesday-Thursday I do inclusion support for another 8th grade algebra class for 8 students that are designated special education but just need extra help in math.

6th period - 8th grade team meeting/collaborating with teachers.

7th period - Inclusion support for 8th grade general education Language Arts.

Tuesday after school will be my IEP meetings, which I have one every Tuesday for the next 2 months. bummer.

Here comes the exciting news....... drum roolllllll......

I have been asked this year by the Beacon program at our school to teach on Mondays and Wednesdays after school a THEATER CLASS!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited, it starts the week after next. Busy planning that, will fill you in on more details later.

The other exciting commitment I have made this fall is through Teach for America. I will be doing 2 different workshops about Theatre of the Oppressed. This is the work I did my senior year in college, which dealt with using theatre games and techniques to 'rehearse for reality.' I am using 1 professional development seminar night to present one workshop to interested corps members in their 1st or 2nd year. I am then leading a group that will meet 3 times in October to do Theatre of the Oppressed work more in-depth and in a less formal setting. I am SO excited to teach about this and see what my colleagues think about it and have to contribute to what I already know! I am very intimidated with this challenge but know that this is what I came here to do and experiment with and I feel so lucky to have found these opportunities to give it a try.

In the mean time, busy busy planning for all of these things, getting into a new routine and enjoying the end of summer the best I can.

Bought my ski pass and a new ski jacket, so once the crazy fall is over, I'll be ready to hit the slopes. Things are great, things seem to really be falling in to place outside of school and into my passions and interests that got me here in the first place .

Peace-

C