Time and time again people say, “things happen for a reason,” “everything will fall into place,” “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” While I can place belief in these words and thoughts, they really offer no comfort.
Where can I find comfort?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
So I have to say that February has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start.
This week was interrupted on Tuesday by a “snow day,” and I quote that because really there was no new snow, it was just below zero outside. While the day off from work was nice and pretty relaxing, it sort of punched a hole in the productivity of the week. The following day was equally as cold, and our district called school on, while all the surrounding districts called schools off. This resulted in very very low attendance at my school by teachers and students, and was really a wash of a day. Presently, the whole school is preparing for the CSAP (the big standardized test in CO) and at the same time I have just started a unit on the Holocaust with my 8th graders, and a unit themed around art for my 7th graders. Suffice it say, considering my passion for art history and those two subjects separately, I am finally SUPER passionate about lesson planning and what I am presenting to my kids. It’s a bit of conflict between giving them awesome, enriching lessons that go along with these themes, or cutting all of that out and just prepping them for the big test at the beginning of March. I think my solution has been to balance these two things out, to not deprive them of learning about these subjects, but also giving them sufficient practice on test-taking and the types of things they will see. I am excited to have people from Museo de las Americas (the Latin American art museum where I volunteered this summer) come into school on Wednesday to do a project on Mayan and Aztec art with my students. Should be really fun for them!
Other than that, the school is just unraveling. The administration is taking inventory on who is planning on staying and who is going so that they can project their numbers for next year as the phasing out of RBN begins. There is little attention given to serious discipline issues happening, lots of fights and disrespect from students to teachers. There is a lot of blame being placed on us teachers that the discipline issues are due to our lack of engaging instruction happening in the classroom. All of this bundles up into being a pretty stressful place to be every day, when there are no rules for the students but tons of rules and pressure put on teachers. I had to officially resign also, in order to ensure that their numbers would be accurate. While I checked the box that I wouldn’t return, in the moment I felt no regret or remorse, just glad to allow it to be a final decision. But now I am super anxious, hearing back from one of the schools I applied to yesterday that I was not accepted. I am now doubting myself and afraid if my plan doesn’t work out. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t feel particularly saddened by not getting to accepted to this school (they chose 4 out of 100) so I know I just need to push on. It’s just a bit of an uneasy place to exist when you aren’t sure where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing in a few short months. Most of my friends and co-workers are in the same place, so I shouldn’t feel alone in this, I just would love some kind of comfort in knowing something or having a tad more confidence in myself that I’ll get into a school.
All of this taken into account, I am proud of myself to persevering. I’ve had moments of weakness, for sure and I am not particularly proud of how I have treated my students, my friends, room mates and my family this past week. But I have respected me, been patient with myself and have worked hard on lesson planning, I have taken up running, got up to 2 miles the other day! And trying to be healthy in all other capacities. I guess if I wished this were all easier, I wouldn’t learn anything along the way. I have to remind myself that all the challenges happen to teach me something and show me what I have within me to persevere.
I think this month’s biggest challenge will be to not take out my frustration in the form of disrespecting those around me and who love me. I need to continue to practice patience in all areas of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.
This week was interrupted on Tuesday by a “snow day,” and I quote that because really there was no new snow, it was just below zero outside. While the day off from work was nice and pretty relaxing, it sort of punched a hole in the productivity of the week. The following day was equally as cold, and our district called school on, while all the surrounding districts called schools off. This resulted in very very low attendance at my school by teachers and students, and was really a wash of a day. Presently, the whole school is preparing for the CSAP (the big standardized test in CO) and at the same time I have just started a unit on the Holocaust with my 8th graders, and a unit themed around art for my 7th graders. Suffice it say, considering my passion for art history and those two subjects separately, I am finally SUPER passionate about lesson planning and what I am presenting to my kids. It’s a bit of conflict between giving them awesome, enriching lessons that go along with these themes, or cutting all of that out and just prepping them for the big test at the beginning of March. I think my solution has been to balance these two things out, to not deprive them of learning about these subjects, but also giving them sufficient practice on test-taking and the types of things they will see. I am excited to have people from Museo de las Americas (the Latin American art museum where I volunteered this summer) come into school on Wednesday to do a project on Mayan and Aztec art with my students. Should be really fun for them!
Other than that, the school is just unraveling. The administration is taking inventory on who is planning on staying and who is going so that they can project their numbers for next year as the phasing out of RBN begins. There is little attention given to serious discipline issues happening, lots of fights and disrespect from students to teachers. There is a lot of blame being placed on us teachers that the discipline issues are due to our lack of engaging instruction happening in the classroom. All of this bundles up into being a pretty stressful place to be every day, when there are no rules for the students but tons of rules and pressure put on teachers. I had to officially resign also, in order to ensure that their numbers would be accurate. While I checked the box that I wouldn’t return, in the moment I felt no regret or remorse, just glad to allow it to be a final decision. But now I am super anxious, hearing back from one of the schools I applied to yesterday that I was not accepted. I am now doubting myself and afraid if my plan doesn’t work out. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t feel particularly saddened by not getting to accepted to this school (they chose 4 out of 100) so I know I just need to push on. It’s just a bit of an uneasy place to exist when you aren’t sure where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing in a few short months. Most of my friends and co-workers are in the same place, so I shouldn’t feel alone in this, I just would love some kind of comfort in knowing something or having a tad more confidence in myself that I’ll get into a school.
All of this taken into account, I am proud of myself to persevering. I’ve had moments of weakness, for sure and I am not particularly proud of how I have treated my students, my friends, room mates and my family this past week. But I have respected me, been patient with myself and have worked hard on lesson planning, I have taken up running, got up to 2 miles the other day! And trying to be healthy in all other capacities. I guess if I wished this were all easier, I wouldn’t learn anything along the way. I have to remind myself that all the challenges happen to teach me something and show me what I have within me to persevere.
I think this month’s biggest challenge will be to not take out my frustration in the form of disrespecting those around me and who love me. I need to continue to practice patience in all areas of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
February brings 2 new intentions to set for a short, 28 days. The first will be respect. Respect is defined as
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
I will practice respect this month by respecting myself, my loved ones and my students.
For me: respecting my own choices and being consistent within those choices. Respecting my body and my health. Taking notice of my talents and my gifts. Showing myself adoration by doing good things for me once in a while and recognizing my abilities and strengths.
For my friends: Affirming the wonderful things that they do and that they are. Giving them admiration by being an exceptional listener, and doing the extent of my giving through listening and creating a safe and comfortable environment for them to be listened to within.
For my students: Respecting them as individuals and the accomplishments and achievements they have had this year so far. Giving them my admiration and respect for overcoming challenges and engaging in adolescence to the best ability that they have. Respecting them also by having high expectations of them and giving them challenging ideas to stir their curiosity.
My second intention is to increase the amount of patience that I practice. Patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
I will practice patience as I wait to hear back from grad schools, I will practice patience as I wait to see my loved ones, friends and family that are far away from me. I will practice patience within my physical exercising and fitness goals. I will practice patience as I continue my journey to find my spiritual connection. I will practice patience and acceptance of not being in a romantic relationship, and put faith into a stronger sense of patience will help me see more clearly when I am blinded by my own demons and struggles. I will practice patience within my job, as the year grows more stressful and difficult in many ways. I will practice patience in this new approach to life, and accept that it will take time for these things to come naturally and comfortability, or that those are inevitable and it’s best to be patient and be present.
These are my stakes into my ground for this month.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
I will practice respect this month by respecting myself, my loved ones and my students.
For me: respecting my own choices and being consistent within those choices. Respecting my body and my health. Taking notice of my talents and my gifts. Showing myself adoration by doing good things for me once in a while and recognizing my abilities and strengths.
For my friends: Affirming the wonderful things that they do and that they are. Giving them admiration by being an exceptional listener, and doing the extent of my giving through listening and creating a safe and comfortable environment for them to be listened to within.
For my students: Respecting them as individuals and the accomplishments and achievements they have had this year so far. Giving them my admiration and respect for overcoming challenges and engaging in adolescence to the best ability that they have. Respecting them also by having high expectations of them and giving them challenging ideas to stir their curiosity.
My second intention is to increase the amount of patience that I practice. Patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
I will practice patience as I wait to hear back from grad schools, I will practice patience as I wait to see my loved ones, friends and family that are far away from me. I will practice patience within my physical exercising and fitness goals. I will practice patience as I continue my journey to find my spiritual connection. I will practice patience and acceptance of not being in a romantic relationship, and put faith into a stronger sense of patience will help me see more clearly when I am blinded by my own demons and struggles. I will practice patience within my job, as the year grows more stressful and difficult in many ways. I will practice patience in this new approach to life, and accept that it will take time for these things to come naturally and comfortability, or that those are inevitable and it’s best to be patient and be present.
These are my stakes into my ground for this month.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Funny, at the end of this month of integrity I found myself this morning at Corona Presbyterian Church. After some thought and conversation about faith, I thought I’d return to the first faith I’ve ever known. The service I attended was called the contemporary service, in a humble small church in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. I actually pass this church every day on my way to work, and so this morning as I pulled open the heavy door from the busy street outside, I was quite pleased with the welcoming warmth I found inside this place.
The experience was symbolic, in a word. There were moments throughout the service that I really recognized community, I saw love, I felt uplifting and some kind of connection. I saw it in the people that greeted me, asked me my name and told me I had a beautiful name, that there were others there for the first time, so I was in good company. There were also moments in which I felt really distracted, a bit uncomfortable and restless. Contemporary technological elements in church in general are strange to me, and the ‘praise band’ idea, (withe people raising their arms and swaying during the song) also puts me off, guess I’m a church traditionalist?
Anyhow, I think the biggest ah-ha moment I had while listening to the sermon about Jesus’ baptism, was about Christianity in general. It’s really not that hard to access, it’s basically just one history lesson. And if you subscribe to the message that these people in history are teaching, then you’ll find it easier to live a life for a sublime ending. You just have to believe it, own it, and carry it with you always. If you accept that everything that happens to you is a part of a plan to guide you some where greater, then you can be a Christian.
The symbolism therein lies in connecting my experience today and the questions I have remaining about my faith (and indirectly my integrity to that faith.) That sometimes, in life, we’ll see love, community and feel connection. I feel this with my family and my good friends. I feel connection when I am having a good day with my students, community with my co-workers whom I adore, and absolutely uplifted when I marvel at my natural surroundings in the middle of the mountains, (which I am so lucky to frequently enjoy.)
But this is also to be reminded that there are always going to be moments of distraction, uncomfortable and restless. Distracted and restless because of the pace of life and the instantaneous expectations we have today. Uncomfortable because of the unknown circumstances we find ourselves in. Distracted by negativity and laziness, distracted by what we THINK is hard when we don’t accept the present for what it is. Uncomfortable when we are thrown a curveball and we don’t trust that all we need to persevere is within us. But all we HAVE to do is make a choice, CHOOSE something to help you accept this balance that you have to maintain. Live by that balance, and know that there’s never any reason to feel hopeless.
I think more than anything else this month of setting my intention on integrity, I’ve see that one, simple truth. Whether it’s God or Jesus or the Rocky Mountains or Buddha or Barack Obama, whatever messages are being sent to us through struggles and successes, we have to trust that all we need is inside us. I’ve worked really hard this month to strengthen relationships with the people I live with, the people that I interact with on a daily basis. I have found that it is totally worth the energy I have within me to make sure I am treating all with love. No matter how down I can get about the status of whatever it may be, I can return to that trust or faith that I WILL persevere.
The experience was symbolic, in a word. There were moments throughout the service that I really recognized community, I saw love, I felt uplifting and some kind of connection. I saw it in the people that greeted me, asked me my name and told me I had a beautiful name, that there were others there for the first time, so I was in good company. There were also moments in which I felt really distracted, a bit uncomfortable and restless. Contemporary technological elements in church in general are strange to me, and the ‘praise band’ idea, (withe people raising their arms and swaying during the song) also puts me off, guess I’m a church traditionalist?
Anyhow, I think the biggest ah-ha moment I had while listening to the sermon about Jesus’ baptism, was about Christianity in general. It’s really not that hard to access, it’s basically just one history lesson. And if you subscribe to the message that these people in history are teaching, then you’ll find it easier to live a life for a sublime ending. You just have to believe it, own it, and carry it with you always. If you accept that everything that happens to you is a part of a plan to guide you some where greater, then you can be a Christian.
The symbolism therein lies in connecting my experience today and the questions I have remaining about my faith (and indirectly my integrity to that faith.) That sometimes, in life, we’ll see love, community and feel connection. I feel this with my family and my good friends. I feel connection when I am having a good day with my students, community with my co-workers whom I adore, and absolutely uplifted when I marvel at my natural surroundings in the middle of the mountains, (which I am so lucky to frequently enjoy.)
But this is also to be reminded that there are always going to be moments of distraction, uncomfortable and restless. Distracted and restless because of the pace of life and the instantaneous expectations we have today. Uncomfortable because of the unknown circumstances we find ourselves in. Distracted by negativity and laziness, distracted by what we THINK is hard when we don’t accept the present for what it is. Uncomfortable when we are thrown a curveball and we don’t trust that all we need to persevere is within us. But all we HAVE to do is make a choice, CHOOSE something to help you accept this balance that you have to maintain. Live by that balance, and know that there’s never any reason to feel hopeless.
I think more than anything else this month of setting my intention on integrity, I’ve see that one, simple truth. Whether it’s God or Jesus or the Rocky Mountains or Buddha or Barack Obama, whatever messages are being sent to us through struggles and successes, we have to trust that all we need is inside us. I’ve worked really hard this month to strengthen relationships with the people I live with, the people that I interact with on a daily basis. I have found that it is totally worth the energy I have within me to make sure I am treating all with love. No matter how down I can get about the status of whatever it may be, I can return to that trust or faith that I WILL persevere.
Monday, January 17, 2011
24
Returning to integrity, maintaining my 'moral uprightness.'
Still crafting what this means, but turning 24 and zooming out on all the things I have acquired following SOMETHING, lead me to believe that any morals I've chosen along the way have given me some of the most amazing gifts.
One thing I am most proud of that contribute to my morals and my honesty to those morals, are the strong bonds I maintain with my family. I am proud that I am honest with them about who I am and what I am about and that I can share my ups and downs with them no matter what I am surfing through.
I am proud of the friends I have chosen, along every leg of every journey I have been on in my 24 years, some spanning short times and distances and others surviving throughout it all. Each friend I have found has given me gifts of love and a reflection of myself that has helped me piece together the person I am.
Honoring nature, good health, music, this vessel (my body), laughter, the above mentioned people in my life and living as close to love as I possibly can... These are morals I strive to uphold.
Grateful that since my last birthday I have
-committed to being a vegetarian
-experienced falling in love for a bit
-made more amazing friends
-travelled around Colorado and seen so much beauty
-developed into a better, more balanced teacher
Here's to more years of being mindful of what is important to honor and what is important to leave behind.
Here's to integrity to what has helped me arrive at this rich, and full life that I have had so far and what I have in front of me.
Here's to today.
C
Still crafting what this means, but turning 24 and zooming out on all the things I have acquired following SOMETHING, lead me to believe that any morals I've chosen along the way have given me some of the most amazing gifts.
One thing I am most proud of that contribute to my morals and my honesty to those morals, are the strong bonds I maintain with my family. I am proud that I am honest with them about who I am and what I am about and that I can share my ups and downs with them no matter what I am surfing through.
I am proud of the friends I have chosen, along every leg of every journey I have been on in my 24 years, some spanning short times and distances and others surviving throughout it all. Each friend I have found has given me gifts of love and a reflection of myself that has helped me piece together the person I am.
Honoring nature, good health, music, this vessel (my body), laughter, the above mentioned people in my life and living as close to love as I possibly can... These are morals I strive to uphold.
Grateful that since my last birthday I have
-committed to being a vegetarian
-experienced falling in love for a bit
-made more amazing friends
-travelled around Colorado and seen so much beauty
-developed into a better, more balanced teacher
Here's to more years of being mindful of what is important to honor and what is important to leave behind.
Here's to integrity to what has helped me arrive at this rich, and full life that I have had so far and what I have in front of me.
Here's to today.
C
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You don't need...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMFpZRDYha4
Thanks to my best friend for this. In the spirit of its humor and truth, here are some things I love about me:
- how I have developed more patience over the last year and a half
- how I don't typically quit things I've started
- my ability to create a warm, welcoming environment (for friends, co-workers, students)
- my enthusiasm for certain sports teams or sporting e vents
- my passion and knowledge of performance and art
- the good friends I've kept over all the time and space
- my nose piercing :)
- my willingness to try new things
That's enough to make me feel good for now. Going into turning 24 with gladness but some worry about the future. Grateful mostly and anticipating the next adventure that awaits me.
Thanks to my best friend for this. In the spirit of its humor and truth, here are some things I love about me:
- how I have developed more patience over the last year and a half
- how I don't typically quit things I've started
- my ability to create a warm, welcoming environment (for friends, co-workers, students)
- my enthusiasm for certain sports teams or sporting e vents
- my passion and knowledge of performance and art
- the good friends I've kept over all the time and space
- my nose piercing :)
- my willingness to try new things
That's enough to make me feel good for now. Going into turning 24 with gladness but some worry about the future. Grateful mostly and anticipating the next adventure that awaits me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Day 3
Not going to bad, working really hard on focusing on positivity and concentrating on kindness, combatting every moment of darkness with light. It's exhausting! It's tough work, especially going back to school and being confronted with co-workers who experience dread of coming back to school and the uncertainty of jobs next year is still looming in the air.
I made it to the gym today and did a decent job with food choices. Tried to get to bed early last night but that back to school anxiety set in when I turned off the light and I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. I'll try for 10pm tonight...
I think turning up the volume on my energy level is going to help with the exhaustion that fighting off negative comments brings. I can't even imagine how tiring it is going to be once the kids come back, today I only had to talk with teachers!
The las few days I have felt very much like an adult. I think engaging in negativity may be perceived or feel much like being immature or childish. It's easier to join in on the griping or whining than to hover above it and maintain serenity and focus. I feel like all the decisions I have made since Saturday morning have been leading me towards making people around me happy and in turn, making myself happier but it has all been very serious and concentrated. I wonder if I can achieve a balance of positivity, energy as well as light-heartedness, and not taking myself too seriously.
I know that this work is going to bring rewards.
I made it to the gym today and did a decent job with food choices. Tried to get to bed early last night but that back to school anxiety set in when I turned off the light and I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. I'll try for 10pm tonight...
I think turning up the volume on my energy level is going to help with the exhaustion that fighting off negative comments brings. I can't even imagine how tiring it is going to be once the kids come back, today I only had to talk with teachers!
The las few days I have felt very much like an adult. I think engaging in negativity may be perceived or feel much like being immature or childish. It's easier to join in on the griping or whining than to hover above it and maintain serenity and focus. I feel like all the decisions I have made since Saturday morning have been leading me towards making people around me happy and in turn, making myself happier but it has all been very serious and concentrated. I wonder if I can achieve a balance of positivity, energy as well as light-heartedness, and not taking myself too seriously.
I know that this work is going to bring rewards.
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