kiddos on the field trip down town

I wanted to give myself some time before I was completely cliche and jumped on my blog to vent about my awful week.

After being a day away from that week, it could have been much more awful and in the collection of weeks of this year, there have been worse. I think I just have hit the point where I am less concerned about my opportunities as a teacher and willing to put

myself on the line for my students. I have consciously decided that this is not my life-long career, that the people I work with are just colleagues for these two years and I am not going to compromise my relationships with them for the relationships and futures of my students.

Being a sped teacher puts you in a tough spot- you are the one teacher that "gets" kids that other teachers don't "get" or choose not to try to "get." You are constantly the dumping ground for 'unwanted' kids or undesirable behaviors and problems because you are supposed to have the magic recipe for curing them or keeping them civilized for 90 minutes of the day. You are also the dumping ground for their complaints and frustrations with their own capabilities of teaching those kids or seeing those kids in the hallways. And I guess I can't blame them because with

out understanding your position or effort and without understanding the students' weaknesses and areas of deficiencies how else are they supposed to cope? Being a general education teacher is tough as well. Handling the work and grades for 100+ students, teaching the same lesson 3 times in a day, having admin and district people constantly checking you for fidelity of the curriculum and your ass being on the line if your students are performing at their best (because none of them have learning disability crutches). If I put myself in the position of a general ed teacher at my school, I would probably be frustrated for reasons that I don't even skim in my position. I have to consider that..

However, I will never forge

t this week because for the first time in this "professional" stage in my life, I have never felt so strongly about being discredited. It's been a building feeling but a certain disagreement and argument in a meeting and in the parking lot this week pretty much solidified my feeling of complete underestimation.

At the end of it, it worked out to my favor at the disappointment of my colleague, but being my next door neighbor teacher, there remains an awkward tension. And as hard as I try, I don't know if I'll be able to shake off the words that were exchanged or the feeling that sat in my gut all week. I also don't know if I will be able to NOT try to constantly prove that teacher wrong. For the rest of the year, I am challenging this teacher in my efforts to make MY students the best that they can be.

And challenging myself to look at this as a constructive opportunity to turn things in a different direction and to maybe put myself in a gen ed teacher's position.

C

CSAP Week 2

We are in the middle of CSAP-ing (the Colorado standardized test) and it feels like a marathon!

The kids test in the morning and then there is a modified schedule in the afternoon which makes all of us cranky because of the lack of a longer lunch and planning time. However, my students are really rallying and taking it seriously and I am proud of their stamina and positivity.

It's been interesting, since I teach special education I have had to provide the appropriate accommodations for the students that need it- such as, extended time to take the test, or orally read directions and test items. So a lot of what I have been struggling with is making sure that all the kids are getting these accommodations taken care of by me or someone in the school. Since I can only have 10 in my class, I have really had to take a stand for several of my kids to make sure they got over their test anxiety and were in an environment where they could test. There has also been a lot of pressure on our school specifically to do exceptional on the CSAP because we are "in the red" as far as middle schools in DPS goes... It's frustrating for me and my kids because the test is just too hard for them plainly, and they are not learning the things on the test because they are not reading at grade level. I feel bad for them, but I am working hard to have enough energy for all of us in the room and to get through the 2 weeks it takes and celebrate when its over!

Last Wednesday I had a great time taking 4 of my students to the Nuggets game for a fundraiser for a Northeast Denver Charter School. I invited 2 of my kids who have had good behavior and told them they could each bring one friend. We drove downtown and took the MallRide to the Pepsi Center and met up with other Noel people and some of my friends. It was a lot of fun for me and the kids I think, although the next day I was pretty exhausted from being out so late the night before! I hope that they always remember that game and know that they are important to me.

My parents had to put my 16 year old kitty to sleep, so I have been thinking of Horace memories.. if anyone has them send them my way. He was a crazy cat but I loved him as a member of my family. One of my students' dog got hit by a car last week, and he cried all day. I told him that I cried a lot too about my kitty and we drew pictures of Medusa and Horace. (his dog) No matter how old you are, it's always hard to lose a pet.

Sending love and warm Colorado weather to where you are-

C

I adore my students.

Happy to be skiing at Vail on a powder day. 8 " of fresh powder! Ouch!

Lots going on right now. We are preparing the students for the CSAP which is the standardized test in Colorado. There is a lot at stake for our school to do well on these tests, so we have been having lots of meetings and plannings for how we will get them to do well. I am nervous for the kids, they have a lot of pressure on them, so I have been trying to go easier on them lately. They have enough test anxiety as it is, but I know they will try their best. This whole thing puts lots of stress on the school, teachers, admin, etc. so it will be a much more enjoyable place when the CSAP is done and over with. It lasts 2 weeks, the 1st and 2nd weeks in March, so send positive thoughts to Noel Middle School kids...

Otherwise, been busy with visitors, TILA and TFA work, etc. The usual, usually.

Last Thursday I found out that I had to re-interview for my job due to budget cuts for special ed teachers at my school. After a nervous 24 hours and flashback to last year when I interviewed, I found out that evening that I was safe, and have my job for next year. This is just another reminder and reflection on the condition of the schools we are in out here. While I get frustrated with situations like budget cuts and misunderstandings about the importance of special education, I am starting to just digest all of these experiences and remembering that this is a stepping stone. I am learning a ton out here, having good and bad days, but in the end I am going to take this and let it lead me some where else. I am always grateful for the good and bad experiences, but I know that my power is limited. I am starting to see what battles I should take on and which I shouldn't and how everything is going to improve me as a person in the end.

Sending love to home(s) where the people I love are. I miss my support system.

C

always the ying and the yang. . .

c.c. - Miss, I know how the swine got the flu! He ate too much garbage. We're all going to get the swine flu if we eat bacon!

m.j. - Miss, I think you gave me this grade on purpose to me because I am black.

some funny/interesting tidbits of the teaching life:

v.g - "Miss, what's masturbation??" (sincerely asking me this as the rest of the 6th graders snicker...)

k.j's journal entry about how it bothers her when the boys are mean to me and destroy things in my classroom.

d.e. wanting to hang out after school and help me in my classroom.

d.b. telling me that I need to do my hair differently and never wear boots because I need to meet men. Telling me also that I need a myspace in order to meet a man.

A bunch of the kids are now calling me Miss Llantas (sounds like yantas) which means Miss Tires. "Miss Llantas! Miss Llantas! It's funny but getting old already.

Tons of procrastination occurring over here, stuff I should have done but haven't because of vistors galore.

At least they are still making me laugh. At least I am being told I am doing a good job for the most part..? This job is very blind and frustrating but I am surviving!

- C