So I have to say that February has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start.

This week was interrupted on Tuesday by a “snow day,” and I quote that because really there was no new snow, it was just below zero outside. While the day off from work was nice and pretty relaxing, it sort of punched a hole in the productivity of the week. The following day was equally as cold, and our district called school on, while all the surrounding districts called schools off. This resulted in very very low attendance at my school by teachers and students, and was really a wash of a day. Presently, the whole school is preparing for the CSAP (the big standardized test in CO) and at the same time I have just started a unit on the Holocaust with my 8th graders, and a unit themed around art for my 7th graders. Suffice it say, considering my passion for art history and those two subjects separately, I am finally SUPER passionate about lesson planning and what I am presenting to my kids. It’s a bit of conflict between giving them awesome, enriching lessons that go along with these themes, or cutting all of that out and just prepping them for the big test at the beginning of March. I think my solution has been to balance these two things out, to not deprive them of learning about these subjects, but also giving them sufficient practice on test-taking and the types of things they will see. I am excited to have people from Museo de las Americas (the Latin American art museum where I volunteered this summer) come into school on Wednesday to do a project on Mayan and Aztec art with my students. Should be really fun for them!

Other than that, the school is just unraveling. The administration is taking inventory on who is planning on staying and who is going so that they can project their numbers for next year as the phasing out of RBN begins. There is little attention given to serious discipline issues happening, lots of fights and disrespect from students to teachers. There is a lot of blame being placed on us teachers that the discipline issues are due to our lack of engaging instruction happening in the classroom. All of this bundles up into being a pretty stressful place to be every day, when there are no rules for the students but tons of rules and pressure put on teachers. I had to officially resign also, in order to ensure that their numbers would be accurate. While I checked the box that I wouldn’t return, in the moment I felt no regret or remorse, just glad to allow it to be a final decision. But now I am super anxious, hearing back from one of the schools I applied to yesterday that I was not accepted. I am now doubting myself and afraid if my plan doesn’t work out. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t feel particularly saddened by not getting to accepted to this school (they chose 4 out of 100) so I know I just need to push on. It’s just a bit of an uneasy place to exist when you aren’t sure where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing in a few short months. Most of my friends and co-workers are in the same place, so I shouldn’t feel alone in this, I just would love some kind of comfort in knowing something or having a tad more confidence in myself that I’ll get into a school.

All of this taken into account, I am proud of myself to persevering. I’ve had moments of weakness, for sure and I am not particularly proud of how I have treated my students, my friends, room mates and my family this past week. But I have respected me, been patient with myself and have worked hard on lesson planning, I have taken up running, got up to 2 miles the other day! And trying to be healthy in all other capacities. I guess if I wished this were all easier, I wouldn’t learn anything along the way. I have to remind myself that all the challenges happen to teach me something and show me what I have within me to persevere.

I think this month’s biggest challenge will be to not take out my frustration in the form of disrespecting those around me and who love me. I need to continue to practice patience in all areas of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.