Family & Faith

Sorry I've neglected you once again for a 2 month stint little blog. As I've told myself before, it's so important to reflect as you go, and lately I've just been going and perhaps in the absence of reflecting more frequently, found myself a little bit out of sorts.

Already in my 14th week of teaching drama! Began a new semester this past week with kindergarten, 1st grade, 4th grade, 6th grade and 8th grade. Some things that have gone well, in the midst of constantly changing my speaking register and the arrangement of my room to accomodate 5 year olds to 15 year olds -

-the little ones made character hats before they acted out the 3 Little Pigs. Super cute, super easy lesson and really helped them develop character a little quicker than just character walks and voices. (works well for Kinder and 1st, maybe even 2nd)

-did an impromptu speech project with the older students - they had 30 seconds to present a cold speech from a topic they chose on the spot, then we reflected on good and bad speaking habits. Even though this lesson was rocky at times, I think for me it really did set up a clear baseline of where the kids' confidence is at and it also gave me an opportunity to stress how important it is to be able to have conviction and confidence when you are speaking.

Otherwise, I've been a bit discouraged lately. Maybe it's the point in the year when you're supposed to see some kind of amazing shift in the creativity the students are putting out there, and I'm just not seeing it. Maybe it's the point in the year where I am supposed to be getting feedback about how great I am doing - but I feel like I have received the opposite. Looking for inspiration in Denver is hard, the mountains are a wonderful sanctuary on the weekends to forget about the stress I put on myself related to work. But artistic and creative inspiration is sparse.

For these fallish/winterish months I've decided to focus on family and faith, and see what happens when I trust my roots and the people who root me, more than just my own individual endeavors and ideas. I want to be surprised by what I can actually discover when I put my faith in my family and my family and their faith, first?!

the definition of faith is --- complete trust or confidence in someone or something

To me, this means letting go of instincts that go otherwise than what your heart tells you. Having faith that the future is going to turn out okay, based on the fact that all decisions you've made up to now have created a great life, full of adventures, friends, challenges and triumphs. Letting go of worries and difficulties, and having faith that the people who love you and you loving yourself is what is going to make everything fall into its right place.


the definition of family is - a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy

Coming from a very small actual biological family, my idea of family includes but extends past just my parents, grandparents, etc. While they are the people who root me, who we have an unconditional and mutual love for each other, when I think about who else I treat with special loyalty or intimacy it definitely includes many friends I've made along the way. These days it includes a boyfriend, who has a large biological family nearby, whom he has so graciously included me in many times now, and provides me with a huge sense of special intimacy. This leaves me feeling super grateful but also with a sense of emptiness and wonder how he'd fit with my family, with my home base, how he can intertwine himself with my roots.

So I am going to ask a lot of questions, give lots of love and attention to family and the faith that they provide me with. Seems appropriate at the holiday times anyways, but has been something that has been on my brain a lot recently. I'll be going back home twice this holiday season, and I am confident that those trips will give me lots of motivation and recharged energy to use in the areas I feel deflated these days.

So cheers to turkey or tofurkey, cheers to snow, cheers to love that comes in many wonderful forms.
C

Commitment & Creativity

If there are any followers out there, sorry it's been so long! Caroline has still been in Denver, but my life is such a super different version than what it was the last time I made some remarks on this little blog. Let's start with the biggies -

-said good bye to some really amazing students, co-workers and friends

- spent 3 weeks this summer teaching THEATER at Denver Camp at my placement school, with 4th-8th graders. Lots of fun, great practice for my new job!

-moved to a new apartment by myself, just around the corner from my previous house, after the other 3 of my room mates and I all went separate directions for new journeys!

-spent the rest of the summer taking trips for college friends' weddings in Sioux Falls and Kansas City, a few trips to Minneapolis to spend time with my bride friend whom I am a bridesmaid for this fall, also taking an epic camping trip to Capitol Reef NP, Bryce Canyon NP, and ZIon NP all in Utah with my fabulous friend and previous room mate, and finally a trip home to see my extended family in Chicago

-met a really great guy who I am still spending lots of time with and is making me very happy

Flash forward to NOW. Working at my new job teaching drama to 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th graders right now, but will eventually see almost all 990 students at FPW. LOVING the challenge of creating my own curriculum, the challenge of starting up a theater program at this school, putting together a drama club, potentially putting up some performances, and embracing the every day laughter and joy of being with kids while they create, perform and respond. It is really a great change for me, and every day I learn something new that inspires me to make myself better.

I have not given up on my monthly intentions, I just haven't been as faithful about blogging them. I think August and September has been commitment and creativity.

commitment = dedication; application, a pledge or undertaking

creativity = the use of the imagination or original ideas, esp. in the production of an artistic work.


I have really RE-COMMITTED to teaching after a summer of lots of changes, and specifically been trying to COMMIT to my new placement. Being at a new school is not easy, meeting teachers, getting used to the culture and the kids even. But after about 6 weeks, it feels right being there, and even though there are good and bad days, I feel a sense of commitment to being there and being my best self. I have also needed to commit to the way my life has changed, realizing that a lot of my closest friends are no longer here or close by, but having this new special person in my life to commit to, it's been something to work on for me.

I have also really needed to fuel my creativity, as I see my students for 45 minutes in 3 week or 6 week blocks, so constantly evaluating my lesson plans and how I can transfer creative instincts to my students in that short amount of time. I have already joined some professional communities in Denver to help fuel my creativity, and I have began some, what I think, are creative ideas for my year in theater/drama. So I am excited to continue these efforts to fuel my creativity.

I want to use the blog now to continue to practice my writing, as I have realized that maybe some day I'd consider a career of it (?) but also to provide other theater teachers or aspiring drama enthusiasts or educators, with ideas that have worked for me. So look forward to more posts about creative lessons or ideas to use in K-8 general ed classes and theater classes.

As JP always says, peace, love and learning.

C

Wrapping up responsibilities

The 2010-2011 school year has finally come to an end! Even though now it seems like this year has flown by, I have to say that as a whole, this school year has really tested my limits as far as patience and balance is concerned. However, I feel extremely relieved and proud of the work I have done this year and in these last two years with TFA, and I would not go back and change a thing.

Last week was full of festivities, beginning with Noel Idol, the talent show, that myself and my other teacher friend organized. While our students are still learning proper audience etiquette, and still developing their singing, dancing and instrumental talents, we got a lot of compliments for the way the show was done and how much work the kids and ourselves put into the show. It was a lot of fun, as the co- emcee, and the highlight for my student may have been when I went to sit down with the judges on the stage, and missed the chair and fell completely on my butt in front of the entire 7th grade.

Wednesday was the 8th grade Continuation, which myself and LM also had a lot of organization and planning energies involved in. The ceremony was nice, similar to last year, lost of families there, over-the-top outfits and tears, balloons, bouquets, but it created a really nice feeling of finality to the year and I was pretty proud of most of the kids who showed up. Our bottom line however, was hoping that these kids and families want MORE of these continuation/graduations ceremonies to happen for these kids, that this was not the last one but the first one of many to come.

Thursday we went to Elitch's (the Great America, or Six Flags of Denver) with the 8th graders, and all of the 8th graders started to add us on Facebook.. That has been interesting to negotiate. . .

This weekend has just been full of fun, parties and being outside, BBQ's, celebrating the end of a solid year and the start of a good summer. My summer is packed full of working here in Denver, moving then traveling around for weddings and having wonderful visitors come to Denver and play music. I am super excited for all of the fun things lined up for this summer, it's going to be great and well-deserved before the next, new crazy adventure of a school year starts up again.

Responsibility in May? Yeah, I think I rocked it. Tomorrow I will check out with Teach for America and Rachel B. Noel officially, and then I think I will feel like my job has been done. I am grateful for the sense of urgency I have developed towards reforming education that working at that school has given me. TFA and RBN helped me to get a clearer picture of what the achievement gap is and put me in a school that feels it and is perishing because of it. Now, it's up to me to guide myself down other paths in continuing to be a part of the solutions to the achievement gap. Hopefully for me, that path is through being a drama teacher, or building and supporting advocacy for arts education policy. I am excited for how this experience is going to always inform the choices I make concerning education and the actions I continue to take to try to close the achievement gap. It's hard work, but it's worthy work.

Until next school year?
Ms. Younts

late night thoughts on teaching -

I'm looking at myself in the mirror, the night before 8th graders Continuation, and I come to the ugly realization that 2 years of TFA teaching does the same thing to your face that happens to the president after 4 years in presidency.

yikes, this summer I must de-haggard myself.

I am starting to think that teaching is not about the ones you leave behind, but the ones that you pick up.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." — Dr. Seuss

Weird/offensive/sad/funny/inappropriate responses to the end of the year happening at RBN.

- lots of ditching, unfortunately done by one of my favorite students. We tracked her down and caught her, and at this point in the school year there were no consequence s given to any of them from the administration. ugh.

-Marcus telling me I was the best teacher ever and that they are sad when I am not there and that they are going to miss me a lot.
:)

-My 8th graders spending an entire period telling me I looked like a past (uglier) teacher, and then telling me that I looked like 2 of the other students, basically spent the whole time making fun of me and other teachers. I was trying to read "Oh the Places You'll Go" to them, and got all emotional, and all they could do was make fun of me. I am attesting this to several things: maybe this is their reaction to me being emotional and telling them I am proud of them and telling them how I will miss them and that I hope all the best for them in their futures. Maybe they can't handle the emotion, or they can't handle someone actually showing compassion towards them. Even though it sucked that they were basically calling me ugly and boring, I believe deep down their is some other explanation to their reaction.

- fights resulting in kids in the hospital :(

- two fire alarm pulls

- many Noel Idol talent show rehearsals, with lots of talented kiddos :)

-lots of food, packing, stress, rain, long days and even a few tears.

Definitely time for this part of the teaching journey to come to a bittersweet ending. Interesting to sit back and take inventory of how we are all dealing with the closing of this chapter.

- C

noel idol talent

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecB2JAf-sK8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKDR_PH20oc

TFA Graduated!

Last night was the Teach for America Alumni Induction, where all of the corps members in Colorado for 2009 were "officially" announced as alumni. I was very proud to see all of my peers with smiles of triumph and survival and to hear from them and about them about what they are doing next. It was also very rewarding to hear the following things from speakers last night -

"Whether it be teaching middle schoolers Shakespeare and organizing Holocaust speakers, I have been continually impressed by the endless pursuit of these teachers" (my program director about ME!)

"Thank you for being a teacher" - Taggart Hansen, '93 LA corps member living in Denver


While not perfectly organized and myself plagued with a migraine, it was a pleasant sort of "cap" to the end of these past 2 years as a TFA Corps member. I am proud of being a part of this organization that truly has a unique and strong commitment to closing the achievement gap, and has helped me transition from being a student to being a teacher. As my dad as pointed out, all of the things I am doing are a part of my "body of work" that I am collecting and pursuing as a young adult with a developing career. I am grateful for this experience and how it has truly prepared me for probably any other challenge that awaits me.


2 more weeks of being a special educator at RBN! This week I am mostly wrapping things up with my curriculum, showing my students their grades, giving them last chances to make up missing work, give feedback, tie lose ends. This week is intense of rehearsals for the talent show, then next week is jam-packed with activities, including the talent show, 8th grade graduation, and the field trip to Six Flags again.

I have been pursuing responsibility in many ways, firstly completing TFA, completing the year, but also I found an apartment for next year in the neighborhood I live now, which I love. I also made a decision to continue working for about 4 weeks in June before I move, working at my school at Denver Camp and teaching a 2 week theater class and then going to a conference for art teachers. I am trying to continue my running, though the end of the year makes teachers tired, especially after long days after school with soccer and talent show obligations. But trying to stick with consistent healthy and responsible habits has been on the forefront, and I think I am doing okay.

Lots of people leaving as well, lots of good bye parties and celebrations coming up. May is a busy month!

Peace -C

Responsibility

For May, I was led to responsibility.

To be responsible means having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one's job or role.

To me at first, this really means not slacking off these last 4 weeks of work. Continuing to be 100% present for my students, with work for them, fair assessments to see their growth over the year, and engaging lessons and activities every day. I want to finish my job at RBN as a solid teacher, coach and mentor. So I am dedicating May to doing just that, despite how stressful it has become.

Had a very interesting conversation with my kids today about the killing of bin Laden. At first they thought that he should have just been put in jail for life. Then they changed their minds and decided he should have been blown up. Then later in the lesson, one of my students used our new prefix SUPER- and named bin Laden a supervillain. :) I thought that was cool.


I am also going to own up to my responsibilities to others in my life-

Taking a much needed trip back to Grayslake/Chicago to reconnect with IL friends and my parents. It's been the longest I've been away from home in a while. Learning how to be responsible for being a caring and thoughtful daughter, is something I want to dedicate some energy to, while I am there, in person.

And finally taking responsibility for myself; keeping up with my running habits, reading habits and having fun habits.
Celebrating and caring for all the people in my life who are making big, new steps- whether that be getting married, having a baby, moving to Thailand, moving to South Carolina, getting a new job, finishing their 1st or 2nd year of teaching, finishing grad school, or maybe even just 'continuating' from the 8th grade. I am full of pride and love.

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else."

In April, curiosity has led me to...

-itching to travel
-thinking more about my body and mind connections and how much power these 2 systems have over each other
- re-connecting with friends
-improving friendships
-being grateful and mindful for the things I do, I use and I take for granted every day

Sometimes people need you in more ways than you might think is possible.
Sometimes that need has to be met in a way that you might not be sure you can fulfill.

It's nice to be needed.
But sometimes I get afraid that I am not enough to fulfill the needs of friends with heartache, with loss, with transformation, with support. I get afraid that I don't do or say or give the right things.

In the Islam religion, believers are told to focus more on the journey and the choices made along the way, rather than the result or the expectations. Leave expectations and live presently.

Even though right now, it feels like this whole crappy school and all of its failing systems are resting on my shoulders and the shoulders of my fellow teachers, it's really not. We just need to believe that our support for each other is enough and that its about the actions we choose to make every day rather than the result.

Even though right now, I am not sure if I am a good enough friend or spirit to the people who need me in their lives right now, its about the actions I take and not about whether or not I save them from their sorrow.


Keeping this in mind, I have not given up on April and my devotions to curiosity, but it seems to have been a month that has taken a different spin. And it's rained a lot more in Denver than it did last spring, which is very refreshing.

The curious thing about yoga, is that if you find a great class, a class that works with your schedule and you NEVER miss, you usually never miss it because of one thing. The teacher.

This happened to me in Minneapolis, and I actually went to Jude's class twice a week because I loved him so much. He was so insightful and encouraging and even shared a lot about his personal life in order for us to feel connected and free. Well, this same attachment (which is ironic because of the emphasis in yoga of unattachment) has happened here in Denver. Jeremy teaches Candlelight Flow on Wednesday nights and he also teaches Tuesday and Thursdays afternoons. If I am super motivated and MAKE the time, I'll get to see Jeremy twice a week like I saw Jude. But Candlelight on Wednesdays is the class I never miss.

So to my surprise and disappointment tonight when I came in to Samadhi through the rain tonight, Jeremy wasn't there, and a lady was there to sub for him. She told us that we needed to dedicate our practice tonight to Jeremy as he has been on a retreat at which he meditates, just sitting, for 11 hours a day for 10 days. Imagining Jeremy through my class tonight, just sitting and meditating, with only one break for a meal, made me super curious and also dedicated to my practice tonight. If he could sit there and sit in the mountains without moving or speaking for 11 hours while I missed him, just holding my poses for 2-3 breathes, I could certainly give my practice my all tonight. And so happily, even though I missed Jeremy, I did.

Even though teaching at RBN is probably the opposite of peaceful and mindful meditation, the discomfort is quite similar. Things are falling a part dramatically at the school, while teachers know they are leaving and kids know that they are leaving, and everyone just exists with this sense of barely hanging on to the days, ready any second to give up and go home... It's honestly a miserable place to drive to every day.

However, it takes endurance and dedication like meditation. Even when it gets painful or uncomfortable, committing to those students and teaching them A Midsummer Night's Dream and about the Greek gods and goddesses, coaching soccer, helping with the talent show and graduation, all of those things take compassion, care, and endurance of my energy and patience. After a long day of dealing with disrespectful teenagers, and negative adults, I have to find it in me to pursue my extra responsibilities with energy and patience. Focusing on the end goal is unproductive, while embracing the present experiences will give me fulfillment immediately and eventually. Meditating, and releasing worries, cares, the compulsory thoughts that we all have takes energy and patience. But meditating for a sustained time, completely engaged and focused on letting go, gives so much transformation and clarity.

Thank you Jeremy, for helping me make this connection and for a great practice tonight.
C

early musings...

so far my curiosity has ...

-led me to spend a day at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, Joanna and I had free admission to a new exhibit about a real sunken pirate ship discovery and I later found out this week that one of my favorite students this year was at the exhibit on the same day around the same time! I had never been to that museum, it was pretty cool and the exhibit was awesome.

- made me want to read every single unread book I have on my book shelf. If only there were more hours in the day!

- encouraged some good discussions and questions from my classes about careers and college (that is the theme of this week school-wide) I had my students do an interactive scavenger hunt type lesson on the internet where they researched a college of their choice, how much it costs to go there, what the average GPA is at that school, etc. THEN they had to research a career of their choice, what the requirements for that career is and how much money they will make. Some of the awesome/hilarious things that have come up in conversations
"Miss, I want to be three things for my career! A judge, a loan officer and a real estate agent!" - PS
"Miss, I want to go to Oregan because ducks are tight." - BR
"Miss, what do you do in all your free time in college?" "You study, duh. " -LG answered his own question
"Miss, can you smoke weed and drink in college? And bring your own game system? And spend the night with girls?" - DG
"MIss, I think I want to go to YOUR college" "I want to go to college now!" - JC
"Miss, why aren't you an actress if you studied acting in college?" - AS

and by far my favorite quote of this whole week (and this student was totally oblivious to the movie Forrest Gump and completely sincere when he said this to me...)
"Miss, did you know that life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you are going to get! My dad told me that!" - DG of course

While in reality, most of my students come from families that don't have college grads in them, the bright side is that they are not discouraged at the ripe ages of 7th and 8th grade. They are very curious and excited about what college is, they just need to become invested in the work that it will take to get them there. Last year I was very resistant to enthusiastically jump on board for college and career week because I felt like a sham talking to them about my magical 4 year experience like it was something that they would never attain. But this year, I am 100% on board, more from the perspective of instilling and planting the seed NOW that college IS attainable, and even though it may look different for them than it did for me, that getting them excited about the possibility of it may be the little spark they need to remind themselves what lies ahead during high school. The cool part about teaching 8th grade is that they still believe everything you tell them, they are very impressionable and trust what you tell them is true. They are not yet jaded by the defeat that they are stuck where they are and the stress of high school and young adulthood has not yet kicked in for them just yet. I am proud when I talk to my students this year about KJ winning a scholarship for college last year and defying the odds of having her essay win. I know that my students this year are even MORE capable of achieving their goals, I just can't give up on telling them that EVERY DAY.

Coming up next for 8th graders is teaching Shakespeare, the modern version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." I am super excited but a little overwhelmed with how much pre-planning that requires. Thinking about teaching Shakespeare gets me more and more excited for my job next year and the possibilities that await!

Other news, tried a juice fast today and made it all the way until 6:30pm at which time I had to make myself veggie pasta for dinner because I was unhappy and with a headache. Don't know if I could do that again. Also did not make it to yoga tonight because I was working on organizing t-shirt making for the soccer team tomorrow. SInce we don't have enough uniforms for all the girls to wear to school on game days, tomorrow they are designing their own t-shirts with spray paint and templates that I cut out and made tonight. Sad I missed yoga, and now anxious to see how 22 girls are going to get to spray paint t-shirts tomorrow. Yikes.

Super busy, but really honing in on curiosity every day. Giving love and knowledge to my students until the very end of it!

curiosity = a strong desire to know or learn something

After the 3 grad school rejections, I had serious doubts about my capabilities to write, to read, to apply, to be academic in general. While I know there are several unrelated factors that explain why it didn't work out this round, I do still think it's important to be curious in order to be open and mindful. I am going to focus on my curiosity this month, as well as maintaining the other qualities I've been thinking about. I want to keep myself interested and interesting, so these are some of the things on my list-

Teach your students something that they are interested in - starting with this week as Career Week, hoping to create a lesson plan that teaches them more about career choices and why it is so important to be able to read and write well in order to get a job.

Feed their curiosity - ask them what they are interested about learning, and teach them that! While I have already shoved art history, European history, and sustainable agriculture down their throats this year in my lessons, I am going to take a step back and ask them what they want to learn in these last 2 months, and try to create project-based lessons for us to participate in.

Do research outside of school - continuing to search for a grad program that might work with this new position, have to take an ELA course this summer or next fall, so I am going to do some research about how my credits from UCD last year could possibly transfer to something I could begin next fall or winter to finish my master's degree. Also, collect resources for arts teachers in Denver, I am going to go observe another theater teacher and try to network within the city about drama-teacher related professional development that I can pursue.

Among other things - reduce the waste I produce, see what happens when I am more mindful of how much trash I use, and think creatively about how I can reduce that. Last night I stayed up until 1am cleaning out my closet, and I plan on continuing to purge myself of things that I don't use regularly or don't need to keep around. Also, being more mindful of this at work, and educating my students about reducing waste.

Continue to exercise, maybe try exercising in the morning before work, try a zumba class at my gym, ride my bike to new places in Denver, spring skiing, go on a juice fast for one day, cook more meals for the week and try to eliminate eating out for the whole month, host an Easter brunch.

Sharpen the brain! Rent movies on Netflix that I would never normally choose, continue to read more books, read the news online daily, read interesting blogs, find new music to listen to, practice guitar, meet new people, incite interesting conversations. Keep on uncovering ideas about faith and God through reading, conversations and visiting different places of worship or spirituality.

Although in reviewing this list, I already feel as though I am a curious person by nature, perhaps by bringing my curiosity to the forefront, I will appreciate what I am learning more immediately and it will transfer into living more presently and more mindfully. As my yoga teacher constantly says, life is not about a journey's ending point but about being on the journey itself.

Curiously,
C

concluding on courage

Coming off of a wonderful spring break trip to Puerto Rico with 2 of my room mates and one other friend. Some of the highlights that I don't want to forget:
- salsa dancing in San Juan with Mexican boys until 6am
- listening to wonderful live music on the beach and at the conservatory
- learning how to surf
- hiking in the rainforest
- kayaking at night in a bioluminescent lagoon
Much needed fun and change of scenery was had, and now I am just going to spend the rest of the weekend recovering and preparing for a productive and happy remainder of the spring and this school year.

I've seen myself demonstrate more courage this month, through the new things I have tried and picked up and uncertainties I've endured and seen through. But I think one of the biggest revelations I've had while focusing on courage has been to be flexible, be malleable, and allow myself to learn with the in's and out's of each day. There's something valuable to be gained in each interaction, each exchange and experience and by having the courage to confront those moments with openness is a fundamental step towards self-trust and contentment, I think.

It is not easy to continue to balance integrity, respect and courage so as this year charges forward I need to continue to check in with those other priorities, those other aspects that I have been in the process of grooming. Also, maintaining patience and compassion in all that I do, speak, think and act on. (maybe those strands will come later this year....??) Imagining myself sort of as a totem that is building upwards, towards the sky, ordering my carvings or figures interchangeably as they become necessary or more important to access.

Super grateful for safety, for a comfortable house and amenities, good friends and room mates, the confidence to try new things, to speak Spanish!, the means to be able to travel and have time off from my job.

More for April tomorrow...

Thinking a lot about soccer, and what is can do/has done/is doing. Reflecting after a few interesting days...

One of the amazing, new TFA teachers at my school who also teaches 8th grade language arts, organized a Holocaust survivor to speak to our kids as a closing to our unit on the Holocaust novels we have been reading. The kids were very excited about it and really behaved and participated quite well. Andre Mark had been in 4 concentration camps, and volunteered to play soccer against the Nazis on a team organized in Auschwitz. Because he was playing soccer so much against them, they got more food than the other inmates and therefore, believed that he survived because of playing soccer. He even brought his old cleats to show the kids, and I was super proud of some of the girls on my team who came up to the stage to ask him what position he played or was he scared ever when he was playing.

Today we had an away game, and while we were on the wayyyy west end of the city, there were gun shots in the neighborhood my school is in, so the baseball team who was playing at our school, had to cancel the game and everyone had to go into the school for a lockdown. By the time we returned, the police had cleared and everything was seemingly okay, but I drove several girls home and had some text me to tell me they got home safe. I feel like somehow, by our game being away, at least I knew my girls were all with me and safe. Even though we lost, we played in the snow! and had a lot of fun together on the ride there and back.

One of the girls on the team also found out today that her mom has breast cancer, 6 tumors and is going to have to start going through chemotherapy. Her sister is in 6th grade and helps me with the equipment, and they are the cutest, nicest, most positive young ladies I've ever come across. So mature and poised and BRAVE. Both of them came today and helped out and had super attitudes. I don't even know what to do for CM and KM, but I feel like somehow, soccer is saving them... At least giving them an escape from the larger than life responsibilities they have to face when they go home (to their house which is right in the neighborhood where there were gunshots today).

I am so glad I decided to coach, I think that it has brought me a joy in connecting with students and the excitement of competition that I haven't experienced in a long time. Somehow, soccer is saving me. Maybe from going crazy at the end of this year, maybe from not hating all the things about my school, maybe from giving up on the school. But somehow, it is saving me.

Happy to report that I think channeling courage to do things that I am afraid of, has started to pay off. In the last week, lots of gifts have revealed themselves to me. I heard back from a few of the schools in Denver I had applied to jobs at, and after a few observations and a stellar interview, I was offered a full-time drama teacher position at a K-8 school in Denver. Teaching theater! Full time! For real! I am so grateful that this school was impressed by what I had to say and what my plans are, and I am so excited to commit to staying at teaching drama here, to see what I can do when given (sort of) my dream opportunity. I know it won’t be perfect, but I know I am not going to take for granted this job, like sometimes I do this one. No more special education obligations that I have to worry about, no more ‘survival mode’ in a failing school, only preparation and excitement about being the drama teacher at Florida Pitt Waller Elementary School! :)

Soccer update: After seeing about 80 girls come out for the soccer try-outs, myself and the other coach cut down our team to 24, awesome 8th and 7th graders. Cutting was tough, but we got it down to girls who have good attitudes and want to show us what they have. We had 2 practices, and a fear of our first game getting snowed out (yes, snowed) but the weather came through, it’s been lots of lovely sunny days, and we won our first game on Friday 4-0! Not only does that ROCK so that we have lots of confidence and fire for all of our other games, but it makes me feel proud that I could choose a team and coach the team to the win!

In other news, like I said, it’s been super sunny and warm here. That fact has steered me away from skiing, just knowing that it’s probably slushy out there, and really not wanting to miss out on the first signs of spring. Looking forward to a week off in Puerto Rico for some relaxation and exploration of some where I’ve never been. Looking forward to visiting home, for tuning up my bike, upcoming kickball games and concerts. Things are generally good.

Left wondering where else do I need to infuse some courage, or where do I need to pull back a little? Does it require courage to go against what your natural inclinations may be? (I think yes!) Being brave to back off or brave to understand that some things may be worth a little bit more of a wait. Perhaps I will focus on that now, backing off and concerning myself only with the things that I can only control.

Peace and happy springtime.

midway March?

Already this week halfway through?

-Students completed the CSAPs! Some with lots of focus and attention, others with less. I am proud of my testing group for having perfect attendance. I made sure to let the AP and Principal know that fact. :)

-Began girl's soccer try-outs last week and don't have a team yet because we had about 80 girls total come out for try-outs! If my popularity was up before this, it is about to go down when we cut down to 20. The good thing is the after school program has decided to form their own soccer program too, so the girls who don't make our team can do that. I am excited, and really like coaching so far.

- Ran the 5K last weekend in 33 minutes, not too shabby! Trying to keep up the running so I can do more races this spring, but it's been hard this week with lots of meetings and now soccer practice every day. But I want to keep it up.

-2 of my favorite students got in a pretty extreme verbal argument this week that got me pretty down. They are best friends and one is just much more insecure than the other one. I tried to mediate a bit the day of, gave them the night to sleep on it, I slept on it, thought a lot about it.. Baked brownies for them for the next day, and it warmed my heart up so much to see B shake D's hand the next morning in my class. :) I would never want to repeat middle school and all the confusing, extreme emotions that it evokes.

- My best friend came to visit this weekend and made me SO happy. We played a little big of hookey on Friday and visited Red Rocks and Coors Brewery then yesterday spent all day downtown Denver for St. Patrick's Day celebrations. So good to see her, so good to check in with someone who knows me outside of this existence here... goodness all around.

Things for the spring are looking good if this weather and these activities are just a preview - just need to find a job and start carving out the summer/ next year. I am itching to travel, but time and money may be too much of an issue to consider that.

My fears? Not finding a job that I want that is going to keep me here, being alone, other bigger picture things are what are currently forcing me to channel courage. I am pretty comfortable at work right now, while it's stressful I am grateful for the people and kids that really help me enjoy being a teacher. I just hope that the skills and lessons I've picked up so far will lead me towards my next stone on this journey. I really think that embracing this whole thing as a journey has forced me to use a lot of courage lately, to let go of viewing myself as fleeting from here once again, moving on to a different stage. While I am looking to move on, it's in a more local direction. I think I need more courage to infuse myself with more self-confidence and resilience to heartbreak. Embracing the independence I know so well but being open and giving with the love I do have to give.

So grateful for the spring springing up around us here in Denver. Grateful for my best friend, my new friends, my old friends and my family. Grateful for new ideas and new, healthy living habits. Grateful for the present moment.

March's in like a LION! COURAGE!

 March: Courage
Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one/ strength in the face of pain or grief.

Back in January I thought that courage made the most sense for March, because hopefully by this time I'd have integrity and respect down cold and I could then focus on having the courage to take this thing to the next level. . . (oh yes, there's another level to get to). But now that tomorrow is March, I think maybe just focusing on courage alone might be the best thing to do. And could even possibly bring more clarity and ease to the other intentions I've set in motion.

First I want to focus on being courageous for my students in overcoming their testing anxieties this week and next. I feel a lot better this year over last year about the preparedness of my students, mostly because I had foresight this year as to what they were going to be faced with for the CSAP. Now it's just a matter of keeping them calm and empowered the 6 days they have to test. Tomorrow I'm bringing them fruit, tea and some decaf coffee to brighten them up to give them energy and hopefully the COURAGE to do their best at something they have all historically been told that they constantly fail at.

Other courageous acts of March : doing things I've never done before...
- starting with running my first race on Sunday, 5k for International Women's Day.
- co-coaching the girl's soccer team at school, try-outs next week!
- traveling to Puerto Rico at the end of the month.
- any other suggestions?

Thinking about some of the most courageous things I have done so far - getting on a plane, having never been to Denver and starting a new life here!, getting on a plane not knowing anyone or anything about going to London, going to Italy, going to New Mexico, getting dropped off in Minneapolis, starting off all these journeys away from home. Maybe the courageous thing to do this time around is to stay, or to consider the challenges that may present themselves if I don't get on a plane or in a car and leave something behind. Maybe the courage is going to need to be summoned this time around in making a decision that I wasn't comfortable with before. Or making a decision that I hadn't set my mind to before.

Or maybe, I shouldn't decide what I am going to have to find courage for and just let this unfold and watch the courage manifest itself in new forms that may surprise me. Really, this whole commitment takes courage but perhaps I will find smaller scale moments that take more courage than I could have assumed.

- signing off and singing "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons

reflection on respect

As February draws to a close, I wanted try another church today and try to traditionalize for myself trying a new church or place of worship at the end of each month. This was not possible for me this morning however due to a 3 car accident I had on Friday which has thrown a wrench in my plans in more ways than one. So instead of sitting in church this morning, I am sitting in my favorite local coffee shop (walking distance from my house) enjoying some freshly brewed and a breakfast plate. After skiing my personal most yesterday, I am feeling a little sort and a lot hungry and am feeling reflective on my intention of respect this month.

A lot of things have happened this month:
- went to 2 really fun concerts
- some hardcore ski days
- trip to Las Vegas for the weekend
- found out about graduate school decisions
- interviewed with DSST
- car accident
- beginning soccer coaching

Overall, I think I have done a decent job maintaining respect.
My work out regiment has improved greatly, I have sort of adopted the idea that I will absolutely have a good day if I work out. That one thing will make one part of the day productive and respectful for me. So I am happy to report I have only taken off and average of 2 days a week from the gym, and on the off days I am skiing or doing something active.

Also, regarding the news about grad school, while I needed one day to be grumpy about it, I've only let it be that one day. I have been proactive and respectful towards myself in pursuing other options, applying to several more teaching jobs for next year and really vying on a position at the new performing arts school coming into our building at Noel. It's been a challenge really immersing myself into CSAP and getting my students super invested while I've been preoccupied with job stuff, but I know that it will get easier and I have full confidence that something will work out.

Really proud of the way I reacted with the car accident day, was extremely patient, respectful and understanding throughout the whole ordeal. Sucks that it happened and it will cost me but I'm safe and so was everyone else and that is all that matters. I have good friends who have helped me out a bunch and I feel lucky and grateful for insurance and helpful people in the automotive business.

Still can improve on lots! Having patience with my students and sometimes co-workers. Remembering that they are kids and that this is a stressful time for everyone. Testing is really a strain for everyone in the building, there is a lot of pressure but hopefully my calmness can reflect onto them. Can improve on trusting my instincts and having confidence in making these decisions. Having more confidence in getting what I want and allowing things to work out based on my self-trust and intuition.

Will see what comes next, although it wasn't expected the new developments are exciting and I'm open to all that lies ahead.

So a lot has changed in the last week.

Now I am sort of starting from square one again. At first, admittedly kicking and screaming. I took a day to be sad.

And now I am taking the rest of my days to be glad for the chance to explore a little more.

I've applied to some teaching positions in Denver, already have an interview for one tomorrow. I've began an application to an MA program in Boulder, still waiting on NYC and taking that into serious consideration if it comes through. I am so fortunate, I have my position at my school next year if nothing else works out. This begins another series of application rounds, waiting, and decision making to happen.

In the mean time I'll continue to soul search, decide what might be best for me at this point... Starting to run and have a 5K coming up in 2 short weeks. My best friend is coming to visit in 3 weeks and my students take the CSAP in a few days! Even when this big bombs drop and interrupt everything, life has to go on and we have to continue.

Won't let this paralyze me again.

Time and time again people say, “things happen for a reason,” “everything will fall into place,” “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” While I can place belief in these words and thoughts, they really offer no comfort.

Where can I find comfort?

So I have to say that February has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start.

This week was interrupted on Tuesday by a “snow day,” and I quote that because really there was no new snow, it was just below zero outside. While the day off from work was nice and pretty relaxing, it sort of punched a hole in the productivity of the week. The following day was equally as cold, and our district called school on, while all the surrounding districts called schools off. This resulted in very very low attendance at my school by teachers and students, and was really a wash of a day. Presently, the whole school is preparing for the CSAP (the big standardized test in CO) and at the same time I have just started a unit on the Holocaust with my 8th graders, and a unit themed around art for my 7th graders. Suffice it say, considering my passion for art history and those two subjects separately, I am finally SUPER passionate about lesson planning and what I am presenting to my kids. It’s a bit of conflict between giving them awesome, enriching lessons that go along with these themes, or cutting all of that out and just prepping them for the big test at the beginning of March. I think my solution has been to balance these two things out, to not deprive them of learning about these subjects, but also giving them sufficient practice on test-taking and the types of things they will see. I am excited to have people from Museo de las Americas (the Latin American art museum where I volunteered this summer) come into school on Wednesday to do a project on Mayan and Aztec art with my students. Should be really fun for them!

Other than that, the school is just unraveling. The administration is taking inventory on who is planning on staying and who is going so that they can project their numbers for next year as the phasing out of RBN begins. There is little attention given to serious discipline issues happening, lots of fights and disrespect from students to teachers. There is a lot of blame being placed on us teachers that the discipline issues are due to our lack of engaging instruction happening in the classroom. All of this bundles up into being a pretty stressful place to be every day, when there are no rules for the students but tons of rules and pressure put on teachers. I had to officially resign also, in order to ensure that their numbers would be accurate. While I checked the box that I wouldn’t return, in the moment I felt no regret or remorse, just glad to allow it to be a final decision. But now I am super anxious, hearing back from one of the schools I applied to yesterday that I was not accepted. I am now doubting myself and afraid if my plan doesn’t work out. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t feel particularly saddened by not getting to accepted to this school (they chose 4 out of 100) so I know I just need to push on. It’s just a bit of an uneasy place to exist when you aren’t sure where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing in a few short months. Most of my friends and co-workers are in the same place, so I shouldn’t feel alone in this, I just would love some kind of comfort in knowing something or having a tad more confidence in myself that I’ll get into a school.

All of this taken into account, I am proud of myself to persevering. I’ve had moments of weakness, for sure and I am not particularly proud of how I have treated my students, my friends, room mates and my family this past week. But I have respected me, been patient with myself and have worked hard on lesson planning, I have taken up running, got up to 2 miles the other day! And trying to be healthy in all other capacities. I guess if I wished this were all easier, I wouldn’t learn anything along the way. I have to remind myself that all the challenges happen to teach me something and show me what I have within me to persevere.

I think this month’s biggest challenge will be to not take out my frustration in the form of disrespecting those around me and who love me. I need to continue to practice patience in all areas of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.

 February brings 2 new intentions to set for a short, 28 days. The first will be respect. Respect is defined as
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
I will practice respect this month by respecting myself, my loved ones and my students.
For me: respecting my own choices and being consistent within those choices. Respecting my body and my health. Taking notice of my talents and my gifts. Showing myself adoration by doing good things for me once in a while and recognizing my abilities and strengths.
For my friends: Affirming the wonderful things that they do and that they are. Giving them admiration by being an exceptional listener, and doing the extent of my giving through listening and creating a safe and comfortable environment for them to be listened to within.
For my students: Respecting them as individuals and the accomplishments and achievements they have had this year so far. Giving them my admiration and respect for overcoming challenges and engaging in adolescence to the best ability that they have. Respecting them also by having high expectations of them and giving them challenging ideas to stir their curiosity.

My second intention is to increase the amount of patience that I practice. Patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

I will practice patience as I wait to hear back from grad schools, I will practice patience as I wait to see my loved ones, friends and family that are far away from me. I will practice patience within my physical exercising and fitness goals. I will practice patience as I continue my journey to find my spiritual connection. I will practice patience and acceptance of not being in a romantic relationship, and put faith into a stronger sense of patience will help me see more clearly when I am blinded by my own demons and struggles. I will practice patience within my job, as the year grows more stressful and difficult in many ways. I will practice patience in this new approach to life, and accept that it will take time for these things to come naturally and comfortability, or that those are inevitable and it’s best to be patient and be present.

These are my stakes into my ground for this month.

Funny, at the end of this month of integrity I found myself this morning at Corona Presbyterian Church. After some thought and conversation about faith, I thought I’d return to the first faith I’ve ever known. The service I attended was called the contemporary service, in a humble small church in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. I actually pass this church every day on my way to work, and so this morning as I pulled open the heavy door from the busy street outside, I was quite pleased with the welcoming warmth I found inside this place.

The experience was symbolic, in a word. There were moments throughout the service that I really recognized community, I saw love, I felt uplifting and some kind of connection. I saw it in the people that greeted me, asked me my name and told me I had a beautiful name, that there were others there for the first time, so I was in good company. There were also moments in which I felt really distracted, a bit uncomfortable and restless. Contemporary technological elements in church in general are strange to me, and the ‘praise band’ idea, (withe people raising their arms and swaying during the song) also puts me off, guess I’m a church traditionalist?

Anyhow, I think the biggest ah-ha moment I had while listening to the sermon about Jesus’ baptism, was about Christianity in general. It’s really not that hard to access, it’s basically just one history lesson. And if you subscribe to the message that these people in history are teaching, then you’ll find it easier to live a life for a sublime ending. You just have to believe it, own it, and carry it with you always. If you accept that everything that happens to you is a part of a plan to guide you some where greater, then you can be a Christian.

The symbolism therein lies in connecting my experience today and the questions I have remaining about my faith (and indirectly my integrity to that faith.) That sometimes, in life, we’ll see love, community and feel connection. I feel this with my family and my good friends. I feel connection when I am having a good day with my students, community with my co-workers whom I adore, and absolutely uplifted when I marvel at my natural surroundings in the middle of the mountains, (which I am so lucky to frequently enjoy.)
But this is also to be reminded that there are always going to be moments of distraction, uncomfortable and restless. Distracted and restless because of the pace of life and the instantaneous expectations we have today. Uncomfortable because of the unknown circumstances we find ourselves in. Distracted by negativity and laziness, distracted by what we THINK is hard when we don’t accept the present for what it is. Uncomfortable when we are thrown a curveball and we don’t trust that all we need to persevere is within us. But all we HAVE to do is make a choice, CHOOSE something to help you accept this balance that you have to maintain. Live by that balance, and know that there’s never any reason to feel hopeless.

I think more than anything else this month of setting my intention on integrity, I’ve see that one, simple truth. Whether it’s God or Jesus or the Rocky Mountains or Buddha or Barack Obama, whatever messages are being sent to us through struggles and successes, we have to trust that all we need is inside us. I’ve worked really hard this month to strengthen relationships with the people I live with, the people that I interact with on a daily basis. I have found that it is totally worth the energy I have within me to make sure I am treating all with love. No matter how down I can get about the status of whatever it may be, I can return to that trust or faith that I WILL persevere.

24

Returning to integrity, maintaining my 'moral uprightness.'
Still crafting what this means, but turning 24 and zooming out on all the things I have acquired following SOMETHING, lead me to believe that any morals I've chosen along the way have given me some of the most amazing gifts.

One thing I am most proud of that contribute to my morals and my honesty to those morals, are the strong bonds I maintain with my family. I am proud that I am honest with them about who I am and what I am about and that I can share my ups and downs with them no matter what I am surfing through.

I am proud of the friends I have chosen, along every leg of every journey I have been on in my 24 years, some spanning short times and distances and others surviving throughout it all. Each friend I have found has given me gifts of love and a reflection of myself that has helped me piece together the person I am.

Honoring nature, good health, music, this vessel (my body), laughter, the above mentioned people in my life and living as close to love as I possibly can... These are morals I strive to uphold.

Grateful that since my last birthday I have
-committed to being a vegetarian
-experienced falling in love for a bit
-made more amazing friends
-travelled around Colorado and seen so much beauty
-developed into a better, more balanced teacher


Here's to more years of being mindful of what is important to honor and what is important to leave behind.
Here's to integrity to what has helped me arrive at this rich, and full life that I have had so far and what I have in front of me.
Here's to today.

C

You don't need...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMFpZRDYha4

Thanks to my best friend for this. In the spirit of its humor and truth, here are some things I love about me:

- how I have developed more patience over the last year and a half
- how I don't typically quit things I've started
- my ability to create a warm, welcoming environment (for friends, co-workers, students)
- my enthusiasm for certain sports teams or sporting e vents
- my passion and knowledge of performance and art
- the good friends I've kept over all the time and space
- my nose piercing :)
- my willingness to try new things


That's enough to make me feel good for now. Going into turning 24 with gladness but some worry about the future. Grateful mostly and anticipating the next adventure that awaits me.

Day 3

Not going to bad, working really hard on focusing on positivity and concentrating on kindness, combatting every moment of darkness with light. It's exhausting! It's tough work, especially going back to school and being confronted with co-workers who experience dread of coming back to school and the uncertainty of jobs next year is still looming in the air.

I made it to the gym today and did a decent job with food choices. Tried to get to bed early last night but that back to school anxiety set in when I turned off the light and I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. I'll try for 10pm tonight...
I think turning up the volume on my energy level is going to help with the exhaustion that fighting off negative comments brings. I can't even imagine how tiring it is going to be once the kids come back, today I only had to talk with teachers!

The las few days I have felt very much like an adult. I think engaging in negativity may be perceived or feel much like being immature or childish. It's easier to join in on the griping or whining than to hover above it and maintain serenity and focus. I feel like all the decisions I have made since Saturday morning have been leading me towards making people around me happy and in turn, making myself happier but it has all been very serious and concentrated. I wonder if I can achieve a balance of positivity, energy as well as light-heartedness, and not taking myself too seriously.

I know that this work is going to bring rewards.

Integrity

Thanks to the brilliance of a friend’s ideas, the encouragement and love of my mom and the inspiration of lots of reading and thinking I have been doing, I have come up with a 2011 action plan. Coming naturally to a TFA teacher/planner/leader, I had to break down each idea and philosophical tenet to its true meaning and backwards plan from there. But I feel confidence in these ideas and believe even this first month’s theme will help me to commit to living a happier, more grateful day-to-day life.

January - Integrity
definitition: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

So based on this definition, I start with honesty. I ask myself, if I am honest with myself...
-I know I am unhappy because of my health, inside and outside

If I am honest with myself...
I will hold myself accountable for eating well and exercising
I will hold myself accountable for going to the dentist!
I will acknowledge my feelings and do constructive things to combat the destructive ones
I will reflect every day on my progresses and failures
I will begin to detach from the things that I indulge in
negativity, self-hate, laziness, regret

Next I move to moral principles... what are my moral principles? (a question I have decidedly never really asked myself)

What are my morals?
-Being healthy and happy inside and out are priorities that need to come first.
-Being loving, mindful and kind come once the first priority is meant.

What does this mean?
Being happy means acting happy and making other people happy
Being healthy means practicing self love, to the outside and inside

In Buddhism, there are the Four Noble Truths. And the last of those truths in once again broken down into the Eightfold Path. I subscribe to Buddhism right now for 2 reasons. First, because recently the times I feel closest to God are when I am meditating Buddhist prayers or practicing yoga. Second because I love how there are lists, numbers, simple ideas that are broken down in a way that I feel I can access and understand. Mainly, the path that I am most drawn to comes down to these three tenets.
Wisdom: having the right view and intention to make positive change
Ethical conduct: having the right speech, action and livelihood to make positive change
Concentration - making the right effort, mindfulness, and concentration to make positive change (Samadhi)
Making an effort to improve
awareness to see things for what they are with clear consciousness, being aware of the present reality within oneself without any craving or aversion
correct meditation or concentration

Ironically enough, the yoga studio I am joining this year is called Samadhi, and so I felt even more drawn to this last challenge, concentration on training the mind to be brighter and and clearer.

So this month, I will focus on integrity. Being honest with others but primarily being honest with myself and the things I can and cannot do.
Upholding my moral principles, that somehow break down into their smaller components within these 3 Buddhist tenets. Changing my habits by concentrating on an improved attitude and outlook. Sounds selfish, but throughout all of this thinking, reading and speaking it has become clear that taking care of yourself must come before you can even think of taking care of others. And also that if you are happier, then you will make the people around you happier.

I will continue to use this space as one to reflect on my teaching experiences, but also as a space to reflect on these monthly commitments and how they are effecting me and my day-to-day experiences teaching. I think that reflection is a huge part of growth and I think this will help me be transparent and HONEST about the efforts I'm making.
So cheers to 2011 and a month of Integrity.