In April, curiosity has led me to...
-itching to travel
-thinking more about my body and mind connections and how much power these 2 systems have over each other
- re-connecting with friends
-improving friendships
-being grateful and mindful for the things I do, I use and I take for granted every day
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sometimes people need you in more ways than you might think is possible.
Sometimes that need has to be met in a way that you might not be sure you can fulfill.
It's nice to be needed.
But sometimes I get afraid that I am not enough to fulfill the needs of friends with heartache, with loss, with transformation, with support. I get afraid that I don't do or say or give the right things.
In the Islam religion, believers are told to focus more on the journey and the choices made along the way, rather than the result or the expectations. Leave expectations and live presently.
Even though right now, it feels like this whole crappy school and all of its failing systems are resting on my shoulders and the shoulders of my fellow teachers, it's really not. We just need to believe that our support for each other is enough and that its about the actions we choose to make every day rather than the result.
Even though right now, I am not sure if I am a good enough friend or spirit to the people who need me in their lives right now, its about the actions I take and not about whether or not I save them from their sorrow.
Keeping this in mind, I have not given up on April and my devotions to curiosity, but it seems to have been a month that has taken a different spin. And it's rained a lot more in Denver than it did last spring, which is very refreshing.
Sometimes that need has to be met in a way that you might not be sure you can fulfill.
It's nice to be needed.
But sometimes I get afraid that I am not enough to fulfill the needs of friends with heartache, with loss, with transformation, with support. I get afraid that I don't do or say or give the right things.
In the Islam religion, believers are told to focus more on the journey and the choices made along the way, rather than the result or the expectations. Leave expectations and live presently.
Even though right now, it feels like this whole crappy school and all of its failing systems are resting on my shoulders and the shoulders of my fellow teachers, it's really not. We just need to believe that our support for each other is enough and that its about the actions we choose to make every day rather than the result.
Even though right now, I am not sure if I am a good enough friend or spirit to the people who need me in their lives right now, its about the actions I take and not about whether or not I save them from their sorrow.
Keeping this in mind, I have not given up on April and my devotions to curiosity, but it seems to have been a month that has taken a different spin. And it's rained a lot more in Denver than it did last spring, which is very refreshing.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The curious thing about yoga, is that if you find a great class, a class that works with your schedule and you NEVER miss, you usually never miss it because of one thing. The teacher.
This happened to me in Minneapolis, and I actually went to Jude's class twice a week because I loved him so much. He was so insightful and encouraging and even shared a lot about his personal life in order for us to feel connected and free. Well, this same attachment (which is ironic because of the emphasis in yoga of unattachment) has happened here in Denver. Jeremy teaches Candlelight Flow on Wednesday nights and he also teaches Tuesday and Thursdays afternoons. If I am super motivated and MAKE the time, I'll get to see Jeremy twice a week like I saw Jude. But Candlelight on Wednesdays is the class I never miss.
So to my surprise and disappointment tonight when I came in to Samadhi through the rain tonight, Jeremy wasn't there, and a lady was there to sub for him. She told us that we needed to dedicate our practice tonight to Jeremy as he has been on a retreat at which he meditates, just sitting, for 11 hours a day for 10 days. Imagining Jeremy through my class tonight, just sitting and meditating, with only one break for a meal, made me super curious and also dedicated to my practice tonight. If he could sit there and sit in the mountains without moving or speaking for 11 hours while I missed him, just holding my poses for 2-3 breathes, I could certainly give my practice my all tonight. And so happily, even though I missed Jeremy, I did.
Even though teaching at RBN is probably the opposite of peaceful and mindful meditation, the discomfort is quite similar. Things are falling a part dramatically at the school, while teachers know they are leaving and kids know that they are leaving, and everyone just exists with this sense of barely hanging on to the days, ready any second to give up and go home... It's honestly a miserable place to drive to every day.
However, it takes endurance and dedication like meditation. Even when it gets painful or uncomfortable, committing to those students and teaching them A Midsummer Night's Dream and about the Greek gods and goddesses, coaching soccer, helping with the talent show and graduation, all of those things take compassion, care, and endurance of my energy and patience. After a long day of dealing with disrespectful teenagers, and negative adults, I have to find it in me to pursue my extra responsibilities with energy and patience. Focusing on the end goal is unproductive, while embracing the present experiences will give me fulfillment immediately and eventually. Meditating, and releasing worries, cares, the compulsory thoughts that we all have takes energy and patience. But meditating for a sustained time, completely engaged and focused on letting go, gives so much transformation and clarity.
Thank you Jeremy, for helping me make this connection and for a great practice tonight.
C
This happened to me in Minneapolis, and I actually went to Jude's class twice a week because I loved him so much. He was so insightful and encouraging and even shared a lot about his personal life in order for us to feel connected and free. Well, this same attachment (which is ironic because of the emphasis in yoga of unattachment) has happened here in Denver. Jeremy teaches Candlelight Flow on Wednesday nights and he also teaches Tuesday and Thursdays afternoons. If I am super motivated and MAKE the time, I'll get to see Jeremy twice a week like I saw Jude. But Candlelight on Wednesdays is the class I never miss.
So to my surprise and disappointment tonight when I came in to Samadhi through the rain tonight, Jeremy wasn't there, and a lady was there to sub for him. She told us that we needed to dedicate our practice tonight to Jeremy as he has been on a retreat at which he meditates, just sitting, for 11 hours a day for 10 days. Imagining Jeremy through my class tonight, just sitting and meditating, with only one break for a meal, made me super curious and also dedicated to my practice tonight. If he could sit there and sit in the mountains without moving or speaking for 11 hours while I missed him, just holding my poses for 2-3 breathes, I could certainly give my practice my all tonight. And so happily, even though I missed Jeremy, I did.
Even though teaching at RBN is probably the opposite of peaceful and mindful meditation, the discomfort is quite similar. Things are falling a part dramatically at the school, while teachers know they are leaving and kids know that they are leaving, and everyone just exists with this sense of barely hanging on to the days, ready any second to give up and go home... It's honestly a miserable place to drive to every day.
However, it takes endurance and dedication like meditation. Even when it gets painful or uncomfortable, committing to those students and teaching them A Midsummer Night's Dream and about the Greek gods and goddesses, coaching soccer, helping with the talent show and graduation, all of those things take compassion, care, and endurance of my energy and patience. After a long day of dealing with disrespectful teenagers, and negative adults, I have to find it in me to pursue my extra responsibilities with energy and patience. Focusing on the end goal is unproductive, while embracing the present experiences will give me fulfillment immediately and eventually. Meditating, and releasing worries, cares, the compulsory thoughts that we all have takes energy and patience. But meditating for a sustained time, completely engaged and focused on letting go, gives so much transformation and clarity.
Thank you Jeremy, for helping me make this connection and for a great practice tonight.
C
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
early musings...
so far my curiosity has ...
-led me to spend a day at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, Joanna and I had free admission to a new exhibit about a real sunken pirate ship discovery and I later found out this week that one of my favorite students this year was at the exhibit on the same day around the same time! I had never been to that museum, it was pretty cool and the exhibit was awesome.
- made me want to read every single unread book I have on my book shelf. If only there were more hours in the day!
- encouraged some good discussions and questions from my classes about careers and college (that is the theme of this week school-wide) I had my students do an interactive scavenger hunt type lesson on the internet where they researched a college of their choice, how much it costs to go there, what the average GPA is at that school, etc. THEN they had to research a career of their choice, what the requirements for that career is and how much money they will make. Some of the awesome/hilarious things that have come up in conversations
"Miss, I want to be three things for my career! A judge, a loan officer and a real estate agent!" - PS
"Miss, I want to go to Oregan because ducks are tight." - BR
"Miss, what do you do in all your free time in college?" "You study, duh. " -LG answered his own question
"Miss, can you smoke weed and drink in college? And bring your own game system? And spend the night with girls?" - DG
"MIss, I think I want to go to YOUR college" "I want to go to college now!" - JC
"Miss, why aren't you an actress if you studied acting in college?" - AS
and by far my favorite quote of this whole week (and this student was totally oblivious to the movie Forrest Gump and completely sincere when he said this to me...)
"Miss, did you know that life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you are going to get! My dad told me that!" - DG of course
While in reality, most of my students come from families that don't have college grads in them, the bright side is that they are not discouraged at the ripe ages of 7th and 8th grade. They are very curious and excited about what college is, they just need to become invested in the work that it will take to get them there. Last year I was very resistant to enthusiastically jump on board for college and career week because I felt like a sham talking to them about my magical 4 year experience like it was something that they would never attain. But this year, I am 100% on board, more from the perspective of instilling and planting the seed NOW that college IS attainable, and even though it may look different for them than it did for me, that getting them excited about the possibility of it may be the little spark they need to remind themselves what lies ahead during high school. The cool part about teaching 8th grade is that they still believe everything you tell them, they are very impressionable and trust what you tell them is true. They are not yet jaded by the defeat that they are stuck where they are and the stress of high school and young adulthood has not yet kicked in for them just yet. I am proud when I talk to my students this year about KJ winning a scholarship for college last year and defying the odds of having her essay win. I know that my students this year are even MORE capable of achieving their goals, I just can't give up on telling them that EVERY DAY.
Coming up next for 8th graders is teaching Shakespeare, the modern version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." I am super excited but a little overwhelmed with how much pre-planning that requires. Thinking about teaching Shakespeare gets me more and more excited for my job next year and the possibilities that await!
Other news, tried a juice fast today and made it all the way until 6:30pm at which time I had to make myself veggie pasta for dinner because I was unhappy and with a headache. Don't know if I could do that again. Also did not make it to yoga tonight because I was working on organizing t-shirt making for the soccer team tomorrow. SInce we don't have enough uniforms for all the girls to wear to school on game days, tomorrow they are designing their own t-shirts with spray paint and templates that I cut out and made tonight. Sad I missed yoga, and now anxious to see how 22 girls are going to get to spray paint t-shirts tomorrow. Yikes.
Super busy, but really honing in on curiosity every day. Giving love and knowledge to my students until the very end of it!
-led me to spend a day at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, Joanna and I had free admission to a new exhibit about a real sunken pirate ship discovery and I later found out this week that one of my favorite students this year was at the exhibit on the same day around the same time! I had never been to that museum, it was pretty cool and the exhibit was awesome.
- made me want to read every single unread book I have on my book shelf. If only there were more hours in the day!
- encouraged some good discussions and questions from my classes about careers and college (that is the theme of this week school-wide) I had my students do an interactive scavenger hunt type lesson on the internet where they researched a college of their choice, how much it costs to go there, what the average GPA is at that school, etc. THEN they had to research a career of their choice, what the requirements for that career is and how much money they will make. Some of the awesome/hilarious things that have come up in conversations
"Miss, I want to be three things for my career! A judge, a loan officer and a real estate agent!" - PS
"Miss, I want to go to Oregan because ducks are tight." - BR
"Miss, what do you do in all your free time in college?" "You study, duh. " -LG answered his own question
"Miss, can you smoke weed and drink in college? And bring your own game system? And spend the night with girls?" - DG
"MIss, I think I want to go to YOUR college" "I want to go to college now!" - JC
"Miss, why aren't you an actress if you studied acting in college?" - AS
and by far my favorite quote of this whole week (and this student was totally oblivious to the movie Forrest Gump and completely sincere when he said this to me...)
"Miss, did you know that life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you are going to get! My dad told me that!" - DG of course
While in reality, most of my students come from families that don't have college grads in them, the bright side is that they are not discouraged at the ripe ages of 7th and 8th grade. They are very curious and excited about what college is, they just need to become invested in the work that it will take to get them there. Last year I was very resistant to enthusiastically jump on board for college and career week because I felt like a sham talking to them about my magical 4 year experience like it was something that they would never attain. But this year, I am 100% on board, more from the perspective of instilling and planting the seed NOW that college IS attainable, and even though it may look different for them than it did for me, that getting them excited about the possibility of it may be the little spark they need to remind themselves what lies ahead during high school. The cool part about teaching 8th grade is that they still believe everything you tell them, they are very impressionable and trust what you tell them is true. They are not yet jaded by the defeat that they are stuck where they are and the stress of high school and young adulthood has not yet kicked in for them just yet. I am proud when I talk to my students this year about KJ winning a scholarship for college last year and defying the odds of having her essay win. I know that my students this year are even MORE capable of achieving their goals, I just can't give up on telling them that EVERY DAY.
Coming up next for 8th graders is teaching Shakespeare, the modern version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." I am super excited but a little overwhelmed with how much pre-planning that requires. Thinking about teaching Shakespeare gets me more and more excited for my job next year and the possibilities that await!
Other news, tried a juice fast today and made it all the way until 6:30pm at which time I had to make myself veggie pasta for dinner because I was unhappy and with a headache. Don't know if I could do that again. Also did not make it to yoga tonight because I was working on organizing t-shirt making for the soccer team tomorrow. SInce we don't have enough uniforms for all the girls to wear to school on game days, tomorrow they are designing their own t-shirts with spray paint and templates that I cut out and made tonight. Sad I missed yoga, and now anxious to see how 22 girls are going to get to spray paint t-shirts tomorrow. Yikes.
Super busy, but really honing in on curiosity every day. Giving love and knowledge to my students until the very end of it!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
curiosity = a strong desire to know or learn something
After the 3 grad school rejections, I had serious doubts about my capabilities to write, to read, to apply, to be academic in general. While I know there are several unrelated factors that explain why it didn't work out this round, I do still think it's important to be curious in order to be open and mindful. I am going to focus on my curiosity this month, as well as maintaining the other qualities I've been thinking about. I want to keep myself interested and interesting, so these are some of the things on my list-
Teach your students something that they are interested in - starting with this week as Career Week, hoping to create a lesson plan that teaches them more about career choices and why it is so important to be able to read and write well in order to get a job.
Feed their curiosity - ask them what they are interested about learning, and teach them that! While I have already shoved art history, European history, and sustainable agriculture down their throats this year in my lessons, I am going to take a step back and ask them what they want to learn in these last 2 months, and try to create project-based lessons for us to participate in.
Do research outside of school - continuing to search for a grad program that might work with this new position, have to take an ELA course this summer or next fall, so I am going to do some research about how my credits from UCD last year could possibly transfer to something I could begin next fall or winter to finish my master's degree. Also, collect resources for arts teachers in Denver, I am going to go observe another theater teacher and try to network within the city about drama-teacher related professional development that I can pursue.
Among other things - reduce the waste I produce, see what happens when I am more mindful of how much trash I use, and think creatively about how I can reduce that. Last night I stayed up until 1am cleaning out my closet, and I plan on continuing to purge myself of things that I don't use regularly or don't need to keep around. Also, being more mindful of this at work, and educating my students about reducing waste.
Continue to exercise, maybe try exercising in the morning before work, try a zumba class at my gym, ride my bike to new places in Denver, spring skiing, go on a juice fast for one day, cook more meals for the week and try to eliminate eating out for the whole month, host an Easter brunch.
Sharpen the brain! Rent movies on Netflix that I would never normally choose, continue to read more books, read the news online daily, read interesting blogs, find new music to listen to, practice guitar, meet new people, incite interesting conversations. Keep on uncovering ideas about faith and God through reading, conversations and visiting different places of worship or spirituality.
Although in reviewing this list, I already feel as though I am a curious person by nature, perhaps by bringing my curiosity to the forefront, I will appreciate what I am learning more immediately and it will transfer into living more presently and more mindfully. As my yoga teacher constantly says, life is not about a journey's ending point but about being on the journey itself.
Curiously,
C
After the 3 grad school rejections, I had serious doubts about my capabilities to write, to read, to apply, to be academic in general. While I know there are several unrelated factors that explain why it didn't work out this round, I do still think it's important to be curious in order to be open and mindful. I am going to focus on my curiosity this month, as well as maintaining the other qualities I've been thinking about. I want to keep myself interested and interesting, so these are some of the things on my list-
Teach your students something that they are interested in - starting with this week as Career Week, hoping to create a lesson plan that teaches them more about career choices and why it is so important to be able to read and write well in order to get a job.
Feed their curiosity - ask them what they are interested about learning, and teach them that! While I have already shoved art history, European history, and sustainable agriculture down their throats this year in my lessons, I am going to take a step back and ask them what they want to learn in these last 2 months, and try to create project-based lessons for us to participate in.
Do research outside of school - continuing to search for a grad program that might work with this new position, have to take an ELA course this summer or next fall, so I am going to do some research about how my credits from UCD last year could possibly transfer to something I could begin next fall or winter to finish my master's degree. Also, collect resources for arts teachers in Denver, I am going to go observe another theater teacher and try to network within the city about drama-teacher related professional development that I can pursue.
Among other things - reduce the waste I produce, see what happens when I am more mindful of how much trash I use, and think creatively about how I can reduce that. Last night I stayed up until 1am cleaning out my closet, and I plan on continuing to purge myself of things that I don't use regularly or don't need to keep around. Also, being more mindful of this at work, and educating my students about reducing waste.
Continue to exercise, maybe try exercising in the morning before work, try a zumba class at my gym, ride my bike to new places in Denver, spring skiing, go on a juice fast for one day, cook more meals for the week and try to eliminate eating out for the whole month, host an Easter brunch.
Sharpen the brain! Rent movies on Netflix that I would never normally choose, continue to read more books, read the news online daily, read interesting blogs, find new music to listen to, practice guitar, meet new people, incite interesting conversations. Keep on uncovering ideas about faith and God through reading, conversations and visiting different places of worship or spirituality.
Although in reviewing this list, I already feel as though I am a curious person by nature, perhaps by bringing my curiosity to the forefront, I will appreciate what I am learning more immediately and it will transfer into living more presently and more mindfully. As my yoga teacher constantly says, life is not about a journey's ending point but about being on the journey itself.
Curiously,
C
Friday, April 1, 2011
concluding on courage
Coming off of a wonderful spring break trip to Puerto Rico with 2 of my room mates and one other friend. Some of the highlights that I don't want to forget:
- salsa dancing in San Juan with Mexican boys until 6am
- listening to wonderful live music on the beach and at the conservatory
- learning how to surf
- hiking in the rainforest
- kayaking at night in a bioluminescent lagoon
Much needed fun and change of scenery was had, and now I am just going to spend the rest of the weekend recovering and preparing for a productive and happy remainder of the spring and this school year.
I've seen myself demonstrate more courage this month, through the new things I have tried and picked up and uncertainties I've endured and seen through. But I think one of the biggest revelations I've had while focusing on courage has been to be flexible, be malleable, and allow myself to learn with the in's and out's of each day. There's something valuable to be gained in each interaction, each exchange and experience and by having the courage to confront those moments with openness is a fundamental step towards self-trust and contentment, I think.
It is not easy to continue to balance integrity, respect and courage so as this year charges forward I need to continue to check in with those other priorities, those other aspects that I have been in the process of grooming. Also, maintaining patience and compassion in all that I do, speak, think and act on. (maybe those strands will come later this year....??) Imagining myself sort of as a totem that is building upwards, towards the sky, ordering my carvings or figures interchangeably as they become necessary or more important to access.
Super grateful for safety, for a comfortable house and amenities, good friends and room mates, the confidence to try new things, to speak Spanish!, the means to be able to travel and have time off from my job.
More for April tomorrow...
- salsa dancing in San Juan with Mexican boys until 6am
- listening to wonderful live music on the beach and at the conservatory
- learning how to surf
- hiking in the rainforest
- kayaking at night in a bioluminescent lagoon
Much needed fun and change of scenery was had, and now I am just going to spend the rest of the weekend recovering and preparing for a productive and happy remainder of the spring and this school year.
I've seen myself demonstrate more courage this month, through the new things I have tried and picked up and uncertainties I've endured and seen through. But I think one of the biggest revelations I've had while focusing on courage has been to be flexible, be malleable, and allow myself to learn with the in's and out's of each day. There's something valuable to be gained in each interaction, each exchange and experience and by having the courage to confront those moments with openness is a fundamental step towards self-trust and contentment, I think.
It is not easy to continue to balance integrity, respect and courage so as this year charges forward I need to continue to check in with those other priorities, those other aspects that I have been in the process of grooming. Also, maintaining patience and compassion in all that I do, speak, think and act on. (maybe those strands will come later this year....??) Imagining myself sort of as a totem that is building upwards, towards the sky, ordering my carvings or figures interchangeably as they become necessary or more important to access.
Super grateful for safety, for a comfortable house and amenities, good friends and room mates, the confidence to try new things, to speak Spanish!, the means to be able to travel and have time off from my job.
More for April tomorrow...
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