**First "why I teach" post **

It came to me within these last two days. Even with complete frustration, solid busy days with IEP meetings and pushing through teaching four classes-- I had my first glimpse of some "why I teach moments" in my days.

2 students. D and B we'll say here.

D is an 8th grader with a learning disability in math. He is one of my highest students in reading and writing but he has difficulties with multiple step problems in math and working with multiple digit numbers. He works very hard and is very well behaved. He is friendly and talks to me a lot about football and about school things. His mom died 3 days after he was born and his dad has been in jail. He is taken care of by his great-grandmother who has suffered from a few strokes, she is 83 years old and not only takes care of D but also some other grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday was D's meeting and we re-evaluated him for his learning disability. After the meeting he disclosed to me privately how he hates how people talk to him and make him feel dumb. Today D wasn't in my 1st period. 5th period he came to me with a "late to school" pass and he told me that he had to take the public bus to the hospital to help his grandma get a blood test, then he had to take the public bus back to his home then the bus back to school, making it by about 11pm. He was obviously very tired and very hungry, he has only been sleeping about 4 hours a night and only eats what he gets for free at school. I took D to the cafeteria during 6th grade lunch and let him eat and sit in my room to "re-charge" for math class. He came into math and took diligent notes, and even after the other aide in the room gave him a hard time for seeming tired, he persisted to work hard and give more effort in math than I have ever seen him give in math before.

My 2nd student, B is also an 8th grader. Very hard to get control of in the classroom. He likes to leave the room when he feels like it, he swears and says vulgar things constantly and cane be very manipulative because he has a charming personality and knows how to win teachers over. B was let onto the school soccer team, but on the conditions that his teachers gave him good reports to the soccer coach throughout the week. Every week, I would remind him that his games were at stake, and it seemed as thought every week something would happen in a class or after school that would keep him from getting a good report. Last week B's sister was suspended for 15 days for having a fight and B wasn't at school the day after that happened. So I talked to the counselor about what was going on with him and she informed me that their mother has a boyfriend who fights with her and is suspected to be abusive to her and possibly them as well. After that day, I talked to B about us working together to keep him IN the room as much as he can, and he agreed that he wanted to stay in and learn but he did not know how to control his anger sometimes so he wanted to leave so he could let it out away from other people. Well, today was the last big soccer game of the year, our team was undefeated and we were playing our biggest rival. I checked in with B all day today to make sure he was in his classes and doing what he needed to do- and sure enough he was. FINALLY on the last game day, he cared enough to stay in all his classes and the coach checked in with me at the end of the day and I gave him the thumbs up to put him in. I stood on the sidelines and watched B play for about 3/4 of the game on defense. While he wasn't the best or the fastest, he was the most passionate one out there, and he kept looking over at me, even though he didn't wave or talk to me after, I knew that he cared that I was there and that I helped him finally get his playing time.

AH... that makes it all worth it. For D to try in math, to get fed, to know he can talk to me. For B to stay in his classes, to tell me that he wants to manage his anger and be able to play soccer.

Little successes make the exhaustion and emotion all worth it.

C

I tried to speak to my students in spanish today. I was successful!

but they thought it was hilarious and they laughed at me.

:) it is fun sometimes...

back in action

Glad I went home for the weekend. I got excellent perspective returning to the place where I came from, visiting a Grayslake school and seeing good friends, having meaningful talks and walks. I am so lucky that though I am so far away, I have such a strong and loyal support system back at home.

Today went alright- I am a bit more organized and I think I am ready to attend my first Individualized Educational Plan meeting for one of my students on Wednesday. His guardian will be there, he will be there, me, my two supervisors, the school nurse, psych and social worker will all be there. So I have to have all of my data, information, etc prepared and ready to talk about my student.

Any tips on working with adults? Working with people is the least controllable aspect of a career - and the funny thing is as I am trying to teach my students how to work together and get along, I am struggling myself to work well with the people at my school and get along with them. When you collect multiple perspectives and experiences, its inevitable that you will have varying opinions and disagreements across the board. But I feel like in this first month of school I have had more argumentative and confrontational meetings and encounters with co-workers than I ever thought I would. This part of education and teaching is stressful, because its grown, educated ADULTS that can't get along- how are we supposed to be expected to teach peace when we can't even practice it ourselves?

When I move on from this, one of my goals is to teach teachers how to get along with other teachers! And how to teach and practice peace in the classroom.

Peace to you, thanks for caring about my thoughts.

C

The honeymoon is over...

that's what all of the teachers at Noel have been saying. Discipline issues are getting worse, but the class size got smaller and students are finally where they need to be academically.

While things are going up and down, I feel lucky that I have a good group of teachers at my school who listen and give great advice. Nothing has gotten too out of control yet, I am starting to get more in depth with my lesson plans, and while my students are low, I have a clearer picture of the potential they have and the progress we can make this year.

A big thing I learned today from a fellow new teacher is that the first year of teaching is hard because we come from college where we work very hard and get good results. The grades we got were a direct reflection of the work we put into school. And now I am working very hard and not getting the same kind of good results - I am not used to this kind of failure over and over. There are so many things that we cannot control as teachers- we cannot control how the students come in every day or how they are going to behave, how they learn. The things that we can control are being planned and being positive. soo this is what we can try to focus on and not get hung up on the things we can't control. (or in TFA-speak, what is in our locus of control!)

Tomorrow I'm going home for the weekend, I am missing a professional development but I am anxious to sit on my parents couch with the cat in front of the big tv. Mental health and balance are so important to find in these weeks that seem to fly by! I have been putting in so many extra hours to do paperwork for special ed. I think the breaks are necessary and need to be WITHOUT school work..

Peace-

C

I love living out here, my friends, all the things I am learning about teaching, living independently, meeting new people and trying new things. I truly truly do.

And I am grateful for my job, my apartment, my car, my food, all the things and people I have that support me in what I am doing out here.

But I think I know why this is hard.

Teaching seems to be natural to me. However, teaching in this environment, in these conditions with these types of students is not easy. And things not being seamless and easy is not something that I am used to. I have been used to working hard and getting instant gratification and pay off. Routines of easy and satisfying work and comments and feedback. I had challenges in high school and college, but not of this size.

I am getting pulled in so many directions- to my licensure program and classes, to TFA, to my middle school, to my individual departments, to my friends here, at home and in Minnesota, to my family to myself, to my students. I have to worry about balancing all of these things on top of taking good care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am struggling to persist in making healthy and good choices for me as well as for my students without sacrificing my happiness in that pursuit.

Living alone makes these challenges even more evident.

BUT I CAN DO THIS.

I have so many people in my life and reasons to keep pushing through every day. My students need me, my community needs me, I NEED ME to get through it and to do it to the best of my capabilities. I am thankful for the education I had. Now it is my responsibility to make my students feel thankful for their middle school education.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Sick day

Welp, the swine flu hit Noel Middle School. And since I haven't felt too well in the last week, I decided to take tomorrow to get better and get organized.

The students have benchmark exams which they hate- and so they were acting up today once again. The second day of the week is tough for them.. But I have gotten SO much valuable advice from wonderful people at my school and not at my school. I have a plan and I have been affirmed that I DO know what I am doing, that I am doing well I just need to be more consistent and firm with them. I have good relationships with them now which is something you can't fake, and I am myself in the classroom. But my class is too large and it takes way too long to get back on track.

So I am taking tomorrow to catch up on sleep and vitamin C and get some of my Unit Plan as well as TILA work done. A few people have given me the advice that I need to just NOT do anything related to school but I think I really need to be away from it for a day to appreciate it and get the work done NOW so I can be caught up and not doing SO much work every night when I get home.

Peace and no more swine flu-

C

Trust/Forgiveness

Today was crazy/awful/learning experience.

My 8th grade students don't have awareness of their behavior outside my room, and I realized that their respect for me dwells some where between how they respect their friend, and how they respect the "retarded class" teacher. All of this created a very rowdy and unruly group as we went down the hall to get pictures taken for picture day. It was embarassing- parent volunteers not even able to keep them quiet and lined up, other teachers stopping them in the hall and speaking with them. They could not keep it together.

I had to leave my class for about 3 minutes to collect a student who had been in trouble with another teacher. When I came back to my class of 17 8th graders after having their picture taken and needing to change back to their uniforms, not wanting to change back, etc... my room was absolutely destroyed. Papers, desks, chairs, pencils, every where. After I cleaned up my room, I noticed some things missing from my desk- just little supplies and CDs and things.. however, the principle was that someone had taken things from my desk. Things belonging to me.

Not only does this disrespect me and my classroom but it shuts down the hope that I could leave my classroom door open, that I could leave things unlocked and available. No longer do I trust my students, and it makes me sad because I started off assuming all good intentions of every single one of them, and now because I don't know exactly who it was, all of them have to suffer my room shutting down.

I want to hope that once again I will have trust in them. We have to cross some hurdles together though. First, we cannot have a stigma on my class as the retarded class, or me as the retarded class teacher. The students in my class scored low on the CSAP and that is why the principal placed them in my class. I am teacher who helps, encourages AND disciplines as well, and all of that needs to be fully understood. Second, respect HAS to be established in the class and out of it. If any other day is like today, I will probably fly off the handle. Lastly, trust. 8th graders should know how to keep their things to themselves and leave other people's things alone. I don't know how to express this any more directly. I want to be a friend, a supporter, but I am deeply disappointed and unsure of when/how they can prove that they are trustworthy.

EXHALE.. That is my practice speech sort of, for tomorrow morning. It has been a long day of talking to a handful of wonderful friends, teachers in my school including my principal, family members and other students. All of whom make me feel like I can do this, that I can establish trust and respect in my class. No one could have prepared me for these weekly "come to jesus" discussions I have to have with my 8th graders. I don't want my teaching and their learning to suffer any more. And that is the bottom line. In order to succeed academically, things have to change.

Thank you to my own supporters, helping me to become a better supporter. I couldn't do any of this on my own.

Cannot wait until Friday. Then hopefully 2 weeks after that a mental health trip back home..

Peace and RESPECT.

C