A Day Off (sort of)

Today I got to call in a sub to attend the annual Shakespeare Workshop to help begin to prepare DPS teachers for the 2013 Shakespeare Festival in April. This entails a 9-2:30 commitment, with a lovely lunch and breakfast, a two hour, hands-on drama lesson with the Denver Center for Performing Arts, and the company of other equally as engaged with Shakespeare teachers from across the district. I also added in an extra hour and a half of sleep, a long shower, a trip to the coffee shop to catch up on grad school work, and a definite commitment to going to yoga tonight. This was a DREAM compared to the ten hour days I've been putting in the last few weeks, with 7am meetings, rehearsals and waiting for parents at school until 5pm, calling multiple middle school students' parents regarding bad behavior, kindengarteners starting fights and peeling gum off my classroom floor and walls, driving to school in the dark, driving home in traffic in the dark.. ugh, this time of year it seems like the list of my complaints is endless. Thinking about making today a bit more about me, and not as much about my 100+ students of the moment and my drama club overall felt refreshing. Although it scares me to admit, what if I am already after 3 1/2 years realizing I am not cut out for this career in teaching? Unfortunately, the statistics are not in my favor. It is proven that teachers start to leave their jobs after 4 years due to burn out. Under appreciation, over working, and not enough pay leads to once inspired classroom leaders to want to find something more fulfilling for the pocket book and for the soul. Not that I don't get a lot out of what I am doing. Lately, more and more I see that I "get it" I do know how to teach my content and I know how to catch the kids that think they aren't into drama. I know how to solve classroom management problem issues, I know how to set up good classroom structures, and communicate directions with energy and positivity. And there are days (some days) that I end a class or go home feeling confident that I made a difference, and I can chalk it up as a "good day." However, I am beaten down, easily irritable, easily upset and prone to negativity by this time of the year. My emotions take a toll from being cut off most of the day with my students, and co-workers that when I have an outlet, I take it. And I am discouraged about how much longer I can neglect the needs I have personally. When have I put in enough time in the classroom when I can walk away without any guilt or regret? Is this a selfish idea to want to give myself a little more grace and care throughout the week? Am I doing enough to take care of myself right now, am I just hitting a hormonal point that is causing all of this to come out? Am I not being challenged enough in the ways I want to be challenge? Maybe I won't know all the answers to these questions until I take a break from teaching and see how it feels to not call a classroom my own for a year. Or maybe I owe it to myself and my students to stick it out and give them my best for a few more good years before I have to balance my own children with a career. All I know is I am tired. I am not sleeping because my brain keeps me awake with lists, solutions, problems, ideas, and possible catastrophes. How do teachers teach for 10+ years? That makes me even more tired thinking about it.